Handling Disappointment 1/13/16

Image: "Riverside" by Tim Blessed
Copyrighted photo.  Used by permission

          I've been away.  I am making sense of last year. And this one. Recu-perating, too.  For several months, at the end of the year, I was tossed in a whirlwind.

      It happened while getting train-ed and experiencing unwanted changes.  In a relationship.  The former consumed time.  The latter drained energy.  My equilibrium was thrown off. 

          I am processing a bewildering storm.  The end of the training I received last year was disappointing.  Not the training.  The celebra-tion at the end of the program troubled me.  It was an emotional let down.

         I accept stupid behavior in a poorly written comedy movie.  But not with people I cried with. Not with colleagues I grew closer to.  Nor with people I grew to respect over six months of shared training.  Sha-dows from my childhood poked me during this event.

        Ghosts of sad adult memories startled me.  The demon of alcohol danced.  The occasion stirred dank, hollow feelings. Ones not felt in ten years.  It was a blast from the past.  

        Just not a good one. 

       The claws of the dragon of inner emptiness slashed my serenity.  I left the celebration as soon as I could.  My early departure confused some.  I had  no choice.  I armored myself by not accepting unaccept-able behavior. 

        Since October, an occupational whirlwind spun my sanity.  Added to the intense training, this winter tried my patience. The tranquility I know was dented. Fortunately, I've landed in a better place. The storms stirred up a lot of instant learning, stretching my mind.  Professionally, the results were good.

       An emotional hurricane converged at this time, too. Subduing and saddening a normally cheerful innkeeper.  Honest conversation with dear friends emptied out my pain.  I let down walls normally used to protect the inner me.  I was healed because I did not make my heart a walnut during this time of disappointment.

       Defensive hope never works.  Instead, I opened up to my commun-ity of Safe People.  They grieved with me.  They held my hand.  Not physically.

       They comforted the damaged parts of me with their compassion and loving support.

        Because of my healthy supportive network, I saw reality.  Clearly.  It hurt.  I was disappointed.  I saw in a relationship my need for integrity was not met.  I was not treated with consideration.

       Authenticity and discernment did not exist.  I deserve and expect better.

       That is my story.  In time, I overcame disappointment.  I dealt with sadness and anger.  Not quickly.  It happened gradually as I gathered with my tribe of authentic, grace-giving, tender friends.

       Connecting with them restored my soul.  I was warmed by the hearth of transparency we shared and my friends being present, not controlling when I spoke with them.

       Coming to terms with my emotions forced me to make time for someone special.  Me.  It slowed me down.   Good.

       I am discovering wildflowers of hidden blessings: patience, perse-verance, better discernment and faith. I am learning that often they are tucked along the country road of life's detours and disappointments.

Gratitudes for Wednesday:

1.  Greater clarity about my priorities.  Which is terrific. During this new year it is good, knowing God's direction for me. I am inspired, being aware of how I will use my gifts.  It is deeply satisfying, using my time and skills in His service. 

2.  I love the work I do.  I am humbled when I serve others and see them grow as a result of our time together. 

3.  For having a better understanding about other people's priorities.  It is not what people say. It's is what they do, that let's me know who they are, and their values. 

4.  For the gifts that writing provides. I refer to the clarity writing affords me.  It helps me express feelings and thoughts.  It provides direction, too. 

How About You? 

What are your gratitudes for today?