Loving Life, The Answer to Excessive Mental Chatter................... 2/18/22

And improve your driving, I might add. 

    I'm following Flannery O'Connor's approach tonight.  A post past due.  I have not sub-mitted anything at this inn lately. 

    O'Connor didn't know what she had to say until she started writing. In the same boat, I find myself.  The following reveals what is floating within my mind.

Today Is A Big Day 3/13/21

      Today is special. 

      It is the 10th anniversary when this place opened.  Thank you for popping in, joining the innkeeper as we cele-brate this milestone.  So many things have happened during this time. 

      I'm older.  Hopefully wiser.  Tend-ing this place stretches me.  

      I've grown in expressing my

Enjoying Life: Responding, Not Reacting to Life or Emotional Vampires......... ...................3/10/20

   Saturday, someone screamed.  At me.  He used obscenities.

   That's never happened, be-fore, ever.  He judged in the harshest ways possible.

   My response: joy, inspired and happy.  No, craziness has no part in my life.   

A Special Day and My Inventory: A Partial, Semi-impartial View 5/13/14

I am the only person on earth who can make my well-
being my number one priority. Doing so let's me drink
and appreciate the little things in life. 

       Today is special. It marks the thirty-eighth month when this inn opened.  Much has happened since.

    Thanks, for cooling

Happiness Is An Inside Job, Part II 2/18/14

      Where to begin?  Many stories to tell.  Adventures, physi-cal exertion, personal growth, along with romance thrown in, for good measure.

       I'm beat. Bushed. Wiped out.

       The past two days have been hectic. On top of that, I'm speaking Saturday at the monthly fellowship for the local district of Al-Anon Family Groups.  I'm squirreling away parcels of time, preparing for that occasion, also.

       There are other pressures I'm wrestling with, as well.  And such a life is the case for most of us.

        We are often overwhelmed with all the responsibilities doled out to us.  It helps to take life fifteen minutes at a time.  This is being present.

        We'll know more serenity.  It comes with living by recovery principles.  At times we need to HALT.

 "Fear makes true that which one is      afraid of."   Viktor Frankl. 

        The good thing is, we can still be happy, delighted with life, when pressured.  Joy isn't externally related.  It is not based upon the job we have, being in a relationship, the type of car we drive or how we are doing financially.

        Happiness is an inside job.  It is attitudinal. our pre-sent, persistent pressuring predica-ments can be at a pitch that without recovery, can push us towards perseveration.

        Our happiness is not because our circumstances change.  We change.

      This is the difference between surviving and thriving----enjoying life deeply with joy, knowing how to have a peace that transcends our difficulties.

       We are responsi-ble for our feelings.  We want to checkout how we can nurture ourselves when stressed.

       One outlet is ex-ercise. Going for a walk, cycling, work-ing out with weights, or doing yoga.  When we do, stress is released from our bodies.

       Keeping ourselves active, there will be no need for a windbreaker or vest on cool days.

        Despite the pressures faced, we can still be happy and thrive.  And no, we won't be crazy.

      Helping others overcome trauma is traumatic for me. This is where acceptance with recovery is the balm for healing the difficulties we experience.  It is not passivity, taking what comes our way. 

      Awareness is clear-headedness, seeing our circum-stances, accurately.  Then, we decide our options---what can be done to overcome our challenges.

      Staying in the solution regard-ing our fears, troubles, and anxieties, transforms our daily quota of betes noires. They become approachable, less frightening.  Our character grows, our life becomes manageable, our joy increases. 

      We move from the ghetto of child-like responses to won-drous valleys of emotional maturity. 

 My Gratitudes for Tuesday:

1.  Perseverance, the fruit of physical exer-cise and maintaining spiritual disciplines. It helps us to draw strength from our relationship with God.

       We are happier, we celebrate life, even when the storms of urban living shower us with ongoing pressure.

     Growth requires going beyond our comfort zones. It is realizing our limitations and appropriating a Power Greater Than Ourselves. Doing this, we are seizing life.

     Life is richer when we move beyond our limited understanding.  Inspirational literature helps us mature and become wiser. We gain a wider perspective.
2.  For writing. It provides mental clarity. This is especially true when we do an inventory of our lives.

      We empty what percolates within. Scribing is self-care, it is making time to get acquainted with our inner selves.
3.  Daily working on our recovery makes us grow.  We will be stronger than we were last week, more level-headed. We handle challenges more successfully than we did a few months ago.

      Working on our personal growth daily, life becomes more dynamic.

       Our days become more fulfilling with each passing month, day, hour, each minute. Recovery helps us move from being reactive to having greater executive functioning.  When we work on ourselves, "each character flaw [is] replaced by a new and good quality."  (One Day at a Time, p. 280)

Codependency 12/27/13

My Gratitudes for Friday: 

1.  I'm thankful for this year.  I've had many wonderful adventures and have met many kind and thoughtful people.  I love my life.   

2. I like having my mind challenged. No two days are the same.
3.  I appreciate that each day, each week, each month and each season, I grow. I am not the same person I was

Calmness and Joy In the Midst of An Emotional Storm, Part II, Revisited 10/12/13

  How are you?

Today, I rested.  Was it needed. So many good things happen in my life, am I lucky.  I met with seven new clients this week.  Each session was amazing.  I love that I'm able to serve others, continuing my role as an innkeeper, assisting others, especially those mangled by abuse and self-loathing.

       I'm bumping up the following post,  written last year on the 10th of this month.  Let me hear you responses, I value your insights.  Here it is:

*****************

      The past few months have been inspiring, a time of characterological growth and learning.  More importantly, its been a season where I've seen the value of

Enjoying LIfe, Knowing Fulfillment and An Overview of the Past Year ...........1/1/13

      It's great feeling good, elated, even.  Many want that experience.  Unfortunately, depression is the lot for many.  As I've written before, all negative feelings are a result of an unmet need.

      Doing what we love and expressing our voice are two ways that allow us to meet our need for meaning, celebration of life and participating in the quest for fulfillment.

     I have the good fortune of being in a profession that

Enjoying Support: Making a Happy Innkeeper ......11/23/12

Gratitudes for Friday:
1. I received tremendous support from
several advisers today regarding my work.  I am thankful for the encouragement, practical wisdom and concern they offered.
2.  I was happy being with my youngest son as he purchased a new bike, here in Alameda.  It came in this week.  The cycle shop, Alameda Bicycle, had it ready for him.  For those looking for a good deal, go there. If you buy a new bike, it comes with a lifetime guarantee, free tire repairs, fittings (adjustments), and wheel truings (if your wheel gets bent out of shape).   Wow!
3.   Two of my sons and I

Perspective On This Day of Thanks .........11/22/12

        Good morning everyone.

Many suffer from worry, depression, frustration, self-loathing.  An Attitude of Gratitude counteracts many of these ills

Equanimity While Dealing With An Angry Person 11/19/12

       How are you?

Today was different from most days.  This evening was a time when I enjoyed equanimity, even when an emotional storm raged while I was relating with another

20 Reasons to Be Optimistic 7/9/11

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity;
 an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” 
― Winston Churchill   By the way, isn't this a beautiful photo?.

      I'm really up at it, today!  I've written five letters, taken care of administrative matters related to my work and about to have my Quiet Time.  I'll

The Joy of Giving ................................5/4/12

  A Special Time
       I met with someone I mentor today, in addition to my regular work schedule.  The time with the person was

Character Discernment, Spiritual Weightlifting Part IV: Principles That Help Us With Any Relationship ...................6/25/11

Ladies, calm down. No, 
this isn't a picture of me.

     In a recent post (See here.) I wrote:

"As we grow in our relational skills, we see difficulties as opportun-ities. They allow us to do spiritual weight lifting.  We exercise the inner strength gotten by applying healthy principles when relating with others.

     We can do this even with those who are dangerous and hurtful. What a deal!"

         Just a second, before going further.   

         This week I disagreed in a blog.   The individual took it personally.   Untasteful descriptions of my character were tossed at me.   This person's friends chimed in, adding more invectives.  
         
          My, my.   I don't take anything personally.  I experienced cyber bullying.  The response was seen for what it was.   A lack of  maturity. 

        Progress doesn't occur when attacks are used.  This illus-trated an ad homi-nem argument.  Like what you see to your left. 

       Most people, when confronted aggressively, back-pedal. They are off guard.  It's, prefer-red--more effective--staying present---on topic.  

      A person is abusive towards us.   That's not the time to reason things out.  Waiting for when they are not emotionally intoxicated makes more sense. 

      Life happens.

      In light of the principles listed below, we can keep perspective, when attacked.   We do not drink the venom offered.  
   

    It's hard for an angry per-son to engage us in an emo-tional tug-of-war, if we let go of the rope.  I did that.  The angry response of others lets me understand their values and worldview.  

       We do not have to agree. 

       Sure, it is disappointing, being judged, misunderstood.  This happens in a conflict.  It is tempting to label the other person wrong.  Frequently this is their default mode towards us.

       Or one party is seen as stupid, an idiot, a twit.  That happened this week, to you know who.  But we don't allow others to define who we am or determine our moods,  

       We want to stand in our power, maintaining integrity with our values.  It's sad when people see different viewpoints as rubbish, tossing in profanities in the mix.  

       Unfortunately, this reaction  can surface when differences arise.  Critical responses needn't be our go-to response.  It is helpful remem-bering we can say our "no" as gently as our yes.

         It is  sad, tragic, when personal attacks are used to win arguments instead of discussing the issues.

"When we realize that we can  have differing viewpoints without either of us being wrong, we can all fit in together. just as we are."  Courage to Change, p. 140

      Unfortunately, this perspective is not common.  It requires hard work.  It happens when we place healthy principles above  negative default modes created when we were children. 

       We can be grateful for healthy principles. They allow discernment of who is safe and isn't.  The following comes from Safe People by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, of the Boundaries series book fame.  

        It's subtitle is: How to Have Healthy Relationships and Avoid Those That Aren't.  Their book, Boundaries, written in 1995 has sold over 5 million copies.   They've written numerous fine books.

      To see practical, brief, clinical video presentations on the subjects of Relationships, Goals and Success, Emotional Struggles, Leadership, Dating, Spiritual Life, Parenting and Marriage, by these psychologists, click here.   You'll be glad you did. 

       In the authors' words,

"Unsafe people have personal traits that make them extreme-ly dangerous to other people."  

Below, these authors go into detail.  

 Helpful Principles to Keep in Mind 

1. Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback.
2. Unsafe people think they "have it all together " instead of admit-ting weakness. 
3. Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual.
4. Unsafe people apologize instead of changing their be-havior.

      For each of the points stated above, the authors go into detail, in their book.  I'm skimming the general principles.  The authors discuss many other points as well, in depth.  

The following points are from page 34 in Safe People:
5. Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with                them.

    Unsafe people in this regard:

   a. Do not admit that they have problems, or they think they can solve the               problems, by themselves.
   b. Do not submit their life and will to God. In fact, call others "holier than                thou," when others suggest including their Higher Power, when dealing              with challenges.
   c. Do not confess when they've wronged someone.
   d. Do not forgive people who've hurt them.  They care more about the issue than they do about the relationship. (Safe People care more about the rela-tionship than they do about the issue.)

e.  Avoid facing relationship problems directly.  (I've ended relationships because of this factor---if a person I'm relating with is unwilling to discuss the issue, there's little hope for the friendship.)
   f. Do not hunger and thirst for righteousness.  In fact, they often mock those who do, minimizing the need for doing so.
   g. Treat others with a lack of empathy.
   h. Are not open to confrontation from others.
   i.  Are not in the process of learning and growing.
   j.  Blame other people for their problems, not seeing their part. [I often,                  when dealing with an issue between myself and another ask:  "Can you               tell me your contribution, so that I won't feel like I'm the only person to             blame?]
   k.  Do not want to share their problems with others, that they may grow.

       After  going into detail about this list, the psychologists Cloud and Townsend state: 

"People who are uninvolved in character growth can be unsafe, because they are shut off from awareness of their own problems and God's resources to transform those problems. Instead, they act out of their unconscious hurts, [our default modes] and hurting others."

      Having our perspective informed by these principles allows us to be grateful.  They provide greater clarity, mindfulness with relating.  These principles are a guide that lets us know who we want to connect with.  

       We are also aware of those we want to avoid.

       Instead of reacting, it is best responding.  When we do, its a good idea remain courteous towards those with whom we differ.  "The greatest form of wisdom is kindness." 

       We can say our no as gently as our yes.  This is detaching with kindness.  We can value those with whom we disagree.  detaching with love, not amputation.   

        Using assertive honesty strengthens relationships.  It is being honest while showing respect at the same time.  It is not using the hatchet of cruel words, judgments, criticism, assumptions or jumping to conclusions. 

        Detaching prevents us from responding emotionally.  Reacting is giving in to our default modes, if we aren't careful.  

        Relating healthily, when in a conflict can happen.  It occurs when we apply healthy principles above the negative default modes of our personality.  We replace being passive, timid, aggressive, abusive or being frozen in the headlights---- with feeling what we feel and want, then saying what we feel and want to those who trouble us. 

       This is being present and authentic.  It allows for bonding and genuine intimacy.  We are true to our boundaries. 
      

      Our standards define us.  They let others know what we accept and what we won't.   They let those we relate with know who we are---the package they get when relating with us. 

      With assertive, affirming honesty everyone is honored.  We are true to ourselves while respecting differences we have with others.  Our relationships will grow with a depth and kindness like we never dreamed possible. 

       Wishing you a great and grateful day,
                     The Innkeeper
       
How About You? 
1. What have you found helpful, when dealing with conflict?  
2. How do you respond towards others who are being unkind? 
3. What are signs that let you know that a person is not safe to relate with?  
      I look forward to your comments. Here's to growing communication within this inn of hope, encouragement and recovery,

 Other Related Posts: 

1. "Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm."   To read that entry, please click here. 
2. "Dealing with Emotionally Charged Conversations"   You can read that here.

Readers Having Difficulties Posting: Any Suggestions?

    Good evening, everyone,
How was your day? I wrote a long post and lost it. My computer continues to act up. In the middle of typing it just goes blank.  It's done so, four times, so far, with this post. It's an opportunity
for me to practice patience. Several of you, have sent me e-mails stating that you've tried posting here, multiple times and your posts don't go through. Does anyone have any ideas why this happens?

An Evening to Remember ..5/29

..

      I just got in from being out last night, Saturday. I had a marvelous time with friends. Tonight's post shall be brief.

My gratitudes for Saturday.

1. Fun with friends and family was my delightful experience this evening. My birthday was celebrated at my favorite place, the Fairmont Hotel.

Reflections As Another Year Passes: Grateful for a Satisfying Life. (Also more questions from the innkeeper.) ...........................................5/23/11

      Welcome to the visitors from Indonesia, Malaysia and Germany. Now, it's time for me to fess up. This upcoming Saturday is my birthday. Part of my growth as an adult is letting others know the date. Keeping it a secret was my MO. I've gotten beyond that. Now, I celebrate the day I entered this world with others. I'll spend this upcoming Saturday with some of the gang that I mention in this blog. All three sons will be with me along with

The Life Changing Power of Affirmation....... 5/20/11

      Have you thank-ed someone today?

      Who is someone you are grateful for?  Can you think of anybody who believ-ed in you, cheering you on when you were at a low ebb?  Stop for a moment and think whom that could be.........

      I'm mindful of Mr Al. Tafoya.  He was my fifth-grade teacher. The only Hispanic teacher I ever had.  From the state of New Mexico, he was.  One day he asked me to stay in class after dismissing the other students for recess.

       The words he spoke that day have stuck with me.  To this very day.  I didn't expect them.  He was scary.  No, not because he had an eye in the back of his head or anything like that.

       He was the best and most demanding teacher at Vallejo Mills Elementary.  He taught accelerated classes.  For nerds like me.  If anyone in his class spoke without permission, they were in trouble.

         Once I asked a fellow student, David, who sat next to me if  I could borrow his eraser during an exam.  Mr. Tafoya took my test.  He gave me an F.  For me, it was F for frustration.  He didn't ask why I spoke.  I cried.  Only the second time I did at school.

        The day he asked me to stay after class, I nervously waited.  I shifted in my wooden seat.

        Outside, students could be heard, yelling.  Some played tether ball, four square.  Many ran around the field.  Hearing the commotion outside, I longed to be with them.

        Instead, I was trapped with bald-pated, non-smiling Mr. Tafoya.  The excited voices of the pupils outside and the stir on the playground, were immediately silenced when he finally spoke.

       Stunned, by his surprising words, I was.  He encouraged me.  'You are my best student," he said. "That couldn't be," I thought. The other students were brainy; I didn't even wear glasses.

        "But I get in fights. I am in the Principal's office often.  Others in class use fancier words than me. They are sons of doctors, lawyers and engineers."

        "Yes," he replied,  "but they don't read about Plato, Aristotle, Dante or the speeches of great men."  He knew my reading choices because of the books I bought from the Scholastic Book Club.  His words surprised and encouraged me.

        Since that day, attending school became something I look forward to.  His words reinforced confidence in my ability to think and express myself on paper.  They still do.  I am happiest when researching, more than anything else.  Studying relaxes me.

      After our visit, I was a motivated.  I became an even more disciplined student.  In the fifth grade, I studied until 2:00 a.m.  I liked getting good grades.  At the time I didn't realize I was externally referented.

      It would be years before I was freed from this disease. Then, academic success provided encouragement.  That was something rarely gotten from parents busy attending to six kids.

     This drive for excellence in studies lasted through junior high, high school and college.  I love learning, even now.  My efforts were bolstered by Mr Tafoya's encouraging words that day.  I was emboldened by his belief in me, a confused kid with a crew cut.  What a difference one person can make.

      So, Mr. Tafoya---wherever you are---thank you for encouraging an insecure, struggling ten-year-old.  I'm grateful for the gift you gave that day.  You instilled the desire to believe, not only in my abilities but in myself.

**********************************

      This is the Attitude of Gratitude Inn. Here, we exercise thankfulness muscles, sharing the gratitudes that fill our hearts. Doing so is a wonderful antidote to the negativity that can easily invade our souls. 

      The news bombards us with bleak information. I prefer lighting a candle, instead of cursing darkness.  I keep my face towards the sun. I focus on the blessings I receive from God and the love I enjoy from friends and family.

      Just for today, would you mind sharing about one person that you are grateful for?

      It would be wonderful if you shared about someone who made a difference in your life. Please include details, that made this person influential.  That would be terrific.  Would it be possible to introduce this person, who had a strong impact upon you?

A Country Walk

 

This is a trip down memory lane: I posted this in another community.  

My gratitudes for today:

1.  I took a trip along a country road, two miles from my home. It was sensory overload of the heavenly kind.  The air was crisp.  I breathed in the scenery and walked for an hour and a half. My view stretched out for 12-14 miles.  Rolling hills, lush greenery, four white goats "baaaaaa, baaaa"ing, as I walked past their stable.  Chestnut-colored horses----with blazes naturally painted down their faces----extended their necks over the barbed wire fences that lined the country road.  As I strolled by, their eyes pleaded for the length of their noses to be scratched. It was an invigorating change from my urban routine, to view cattle grazing----from a distance of 10 feet.  Their month-old calves drank from them as they stood in a field, just beyond my outstretched arm. 

  I'm grateful for time alone with God and His countryside.

2.  I'm thankful for my sweatshirt, vest, wool knit cap, scarf and gloves.  Hey, it was cold out there------maybe 58 degrees!  Brrrrrr!

3.   For the majestic view of the SF Bay Area as I reached the top of a hill luminescently green due to recent rains.  I stood next to a ruggedly handsome barn, its slouched and patched together sides betrayed the age of its character-filled redwood planks.  This red rustic repository for hay, scurrying mice and an occasional owl was a century and two score in years.  The Bay Area it overlooked.  Although I hiked after 6:00 p.m., I arrived at this spot while it was yet daylight, the virtue of getting off Daylight Savings Time.  A creek that ran through a near-by grove of oak trees sang out as I drank in the view of the bay, the San Francisco peninsula and enjoyed nature's tranquility. 

4.  For my continued health.  Not long ago, I was flat on my back and deathly ill-----thank you, Jesus, for making me whole, not only spiritually, but now physically, too!

5.  For good friends with whom I can speak honestly (but courteously and with kindness, too). See below.

6.  For not allowing a friend, who works as a manager, to dominate when we visited yesterday.  "You may be able to control conversations with other people but I'm uncomfortable with you doing so with me----we're equals."  (Our conversation was as equal adults after that comment----an unusual experience for him.)

7.   For the joy of being an adult.  Part of being an adult is that we can disagree with others.  We want to say what we mean, mean what we say, but not say it meanly.

      Okay, guys, those are enough gratitudes from me, I heading out to one of my favorite towns, the island town of Alameda. 

          The Innkeeper of the Attitude Inn,

Making Amends & Being Gentle Towards Self ....... 4/21/11

     I hope this post is helpful.  It deals with an important subject----making amends. This is different and more effective than apologizing, which is merely