The Strength and Authenticity We Have When We Move Beyond Codependency........................... 1/31/18

     I'm thankful for peace of mind.

     It happens when relating with healthy people.  Calmness and sanity is ours when avoiding those who are unsafe.

     I was reminded of this second point at a restaurant. I witnessed a toxic parent.  He was in his thir-ties.

     The emotional violence he demonstrated raised the hackles on the back of my neck.  His comments had my heart pound, like it hasn't, in years. Dark emotions from long ago revisited me, awakening the little Pablo who lives inside me.  

      Rage, shame, embarrassment, and fear, melded within.  Trans-ported to the scariest depths of my youth, I was.  He blasted his second daughter, saying, "You stupid fool!"

      His glares and ridicule not only demeaned her but slug-ged the belly of my emotions.   I put my food down.  I looked for the restroom.  I was getting sick.

     Unwanted bookmarked portions of childhood memories flipped open.

     My heart sank.  His three young daughters squirmed at the table, their si-lence thick with fear.  This par-ent did not know grace. 

       He did not use kindness when correcting his middle child.  He did not know how to say his no as gently as his yes or that growth never takes place through threat, guilt or fear.

     How we do something is as important as any task we do.  Often, it is more important.

    The little girls needed nurturing.  Support and encouragement from their daddy would strengthen their self-esteem.  This would be helpful during their awkward adolescent years.

      He yelled at her, "You clumsy fool."  She spilled her soda.  The shame applied towards this middle daughter had me in a cold sweat. The scenario transported me to the angst of my youth.

      How much more serene this family would be if the father knew the slogan, "Easy Does It," or, "How Important is It?"  The little girl's self-esteem is more important than the sugared water sprayed across the table in the booth before me.

      As I witnessed what was unfolding, I bonded with this blond-haired girl.

      From my table, her seven-year-old face was in full view.  Her defiant, sullen expres-sions reflected the attitude I had as a kid.  Her stubborn-ness mirrored my resis-tance as a boy while living in a performance orien-ted, black and white thinking home, in a no-mercy-given household, where forgiveness was a nonexistent commodity. 

       My emotions while witnessing the parenting taking place took me--in a blink---to my pre-recovery default mode.  I was sad.  Fear and anxiety filling my body.

       The wild dreaded feeling of anticipating violence, flushed within me, while taking in the drama at this Nations restaurant.  This emo-tional dragon, who frequently tormented me as a kid, visiting again----now, decades later.

      My soul was walloped with the paddle of unpleasant memories.  

      In childhood, correcting my misdeeds was more impor-tant than my dad letting me know he loved me.  He did not know we improve only when experiencing grace and forgiveness.  Growth takes place in the absence of fear.

      Physical or emotional abuse never births healthy, positive trans-formation.

      My value and feelings as a small, intelligent, sensitive child were ignored.  Depression, rage and anxiety consumed me, in that restau-rant. My childhood was relived in the scene before me.

      My inner self quivered even though I was mindful of the following:

“Worrying about people and problems doesn't help. It doesn't solve problems, it doesn't help other people, it doesn't help us. It is wasted energy.” ― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

                  And,

“Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They underreact. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors.” ― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More

     The codependency of the wife and little ones was palpable.  They jumped at pleasing this anger-infested father.  They feared his knitted brow, his glares, impatience and seething ways.

      Sweat formed on the back of my head as he berated his middle daughter.  If he continues treating his strong-willed middle daughter, this way, depression will be her companion through childhood, adol-escence and as an adult.  I know from personal experience. 

      While taking in this scenario, I was thankful.  I was free from codependency.  I am thankful for the strength gained when we are internally referented:

“I used to spend so much time re-acting and responding to every-one else that my life had no direc-tion.  Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began taking place in my life.” ― Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go

       Dormant negative childhood feelings can be overcome.  Emotional maturity is possible when we are present, applying recovery while in the midst of an emotional storm.

"When we are aware of what is hap-pening in the moment, we are no longer lost in it."  Tara Brach

       With the presence recovery offers, we no longer tolerate mistreat-ment or accept unacceptable behavior.  We are freed from the disease of codependency.

       We use boundaries to protect us.  They prompted me to pour my milkshake on the guy's head when I walked out of the restaurant.

        I'm kidding.  But I did want to give that guy a piece of my mind.

        Recovery allows us to leave jarring moments emotionally intact.  Slipping into my car, I was not triggered.  Past memories are seen for what they are: memories.

        They need not be haunting demons.  With recovery, we address painful memories.  We exorcise them with the healing power of re-covery.

        We leave unpleasant memories where they belong: in the past.

        This is moving forward, unencumbered by the weight of ancient emotions, knowing emotional healing.  The post Humpty Dumpty after the fall of our nature is restored.  We are made whole again.  The emo-tional and mentally fractured parts of us, healed.

        Boundaries let us know who is safe and who isn't.   With them, naivete is replaced with common sense. Manipulators are not given reign because we want to be "nice."  We say we "cannot connect" when we are uncomfortable in a conversa-tion.

       We express what troubles us. Recovery gives us our voice.  As we become comfortable with our likes, dislikes, dreams wants and choices, we become increas-ingly able to risk the disappro-val of others.

        Recovery teaches us we are not "causing problems" when adhering to our values.  We are being "nice" when we express our boun-daries.  Even though others may think we are not pleasant when differing with them.

       If  they are upset, they are responsible to handle their disappoint-ment.

        It lets others know who we truly are.  We are no longer Mr. Nicey.  When we are this fellow, we are kind, when we don't want to be.

        As codependents, we please everyone.  There is a problem.  Opera-ting this way, we are not sincere.

       We don't let people know how we feel.  We are fearful to displease.  The disapproval or anger of others is more important than being true to our values.

       When we are present, we are authentic.  We express our voice.  We own something, too.  We have self-respect and the peace of mind that goes along with it.

Related Post:
 A Detailed Overview of Codependency

Guarding Our Emotional Sobriety (Second half of this Link)