A long while ago, I wrote about authenticity, versus being controlling. I'll say more, tonight. Control patterns arise whenever we are fearful about being:
1. Rejected 4. Judged 7. Criticized
2. Controlled 5. Ignored 8. Abandoned
3. Attacked 6. Frustrated 9. Shamed
Being authentic is a better, more fulfilling, alternative. It helps us outgrow protecting ourselves from what we perceive as un-comfortable portions of reality. Being present, being real, is develop-ing resiliency.
More about that in a moment.
Authenticity does not happen overnight. Maturity is required. It is valuing ourselves more than how we think others regard us.
Being internally referented is the source of authenticity. Its fruit is emotional object constancy. This foundation helps us be comfortable in our own skin.
Let the words below linger within us for 10, 20, 30 seconds. They present concepts often not found within the territory of our everyday existence. Marinating over it is health producing.
The thoughts it cre tap into portions of our mind often untouched, all for our good.
The quote below also makes creates more happiness, a sense of well-being and greater executive functioning.
Presence is feeling and sensing what is alive within us and our surroundings, right now. It is freedom from the white noise of inse-curities blaring within our mind. We ask questions with those we relate, even though they may create discomfort."As we feel more comfortable with our likes, dislikes, dreams wants, and desires, we are increasingly able to risk the disapproval [and rejection] of others. " Courage to Change, 217
Being present is uncovering the self-talk going on within ourselves and the other person. It happens when we are relaxed and enjoy peace of mind. Presence makes relationships thrive.
It lets us know this connection is not form without substance, leaves without roots. Not long ago, I was hurt. I told the person who disturbed me I was confused, needing to comprehend a disappointing comment he made.
This was not attacking, simply trying to understand.
Presence makes paying attention possible.
We can be honest in relationships when we realize we will still be okay, even if things don't work out. This is placing principles above our personality. This is the opposite of being controlling.
We are controlling when we try imposing our agenda, our per-sonality. We are present when we are confident to feel what we feel and say what we feel. We are also present when we able to hear what others feel about us and not be defensive when what they say is dif-ficult.
The truth at times may hurt, but it is the only road to sanity, reality and having an honest relationship.
This is preferred to someone who waits too long and misleads the other person.
Controlling and Relating, The Contrast
We are controlling when we try to create a favorable impression. Or when we want things our way. When relating, our aim is knowing the other person.
I hate it when others treat me this way. I need to also be honest about myself. I need to kill the dragon of control, when it lurks within me, wanting to raise its head.
Relating involves self-disclosure, curiosity about the other per-son's reality. "You were looking at the floor while we were talking. Can you tell me what that is all about?"
Being present is having mutuality in the relationship. No manipulation, vulnerability instead. Relating is being observant. It is stepping back, noticing my reactions, expressing them.
Presence is revealing what is alive within me. "When you said that, I did a happy dance within. I happy you did not let your father patronize you!"
Control, on the other hand, is about being right. It is playing it safe. Or punishing others to avoid feeling vulnerable or uncertain.
If we are controlling, we create distrust and defensiveness, unless the other person is internally referented and not codependent.
Relating is about being real, transparent, speaking from our heart, not our head. It builds trust and intimacy.
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