We Get What We Tolerate, We Can Say Our No As Gently as Our Yes 1/8/18

     Hi there, everyone.

Yes, I am alive.  Life is about priorities.  For the past several months I focused on my profession.  There is much related to it.

     I'm not com-plaining.  Far from it.  Every bit of it, including filing, writing pre and post-session notes I love.


     It is fulfilling. It demands all my skills and then some.  Just what I want from life.

     I need "help" from a long-term friend.  He was in the group who saw a movie with me.  A fine presentation, "The Darkest Hour."

     The lead actor, Gary Oldman, received a  Golden Globe for it, last night.  His perfor-mance was entran-cing.  As the British say, he was brill.

    (I wept at least six times while hun-kered down in pala-tial, 1917 created Piedmont Theater, in Oakland.  It has not been split into sev-eral mini screens----yet.  I feel better today because of yesterday's catharsis.)

    When the flick was over, the four of us strolled to Gaylord's Caffe Espresso.  I ordered a 4 shot cup of espresso to go along with my brownie.  I noticed this morning there was more hair on my chest.

     I sprung for the coffee my friend of forty-plus years drank.

    Our time at the cafe taxed me.  Much.  I looked forward to decon-structing and luxuriating in the fine film we saw.

       Afterwards, I was not surprised to learn it was directed by Joe Wright.  He helmed one of my all-time favorite movies 2005's Pride & Prejudice with Keira Knightly and Matthew McFadden.

    The conversation as the four of us sat together was difficult.  Awkward.  Infuriating.  Although I did not reveal my feelings, much, then.  I will soon.

    I enjoy pushing embers together.

    I like helping others getting acquainted with each other.  It is satisfying, witnessing heartfelt fellowship.  It is fulfilling being with individuals, who were once unfamiliar, start the spark of genuine connecting.

    I like it when people discover the better qualities in others.  Seeing former strangers draw closer, enjoying the flame of an active, engaged conversation is fulfilling.

    Dominance quenches that flame.  I tried preventing that last night.  I directed questions to the other two men.

    If I didn't, my friend of many years overran the conversation.  He thought he was witty.  Whenever one of the two introspective men paused for breath, this friend prattled on.

          He prevented any con-versation from taking place.  Was.  I.  Aggravated.

          What did I learn?

1.  How close to murderous I can be. Especially when others are not allowed to speak.  I disliked the community of friends destroyed by someone uncomfortable with a second or two of silence.  I was irritated by someone dominating our time at Gaylord's Cafe.

   This happened even when I asserted myself.  Several times, I held up my hand towards my friend.  I said, "I'd like to hear David's response."

    If he does this again, boundaries will be applied.  I'll leave.   I do not accept unacceptable behavior.

2.  How quickly my patience was tried when frustrated by another person's insensitivity.  It did not meet my need for connection, closeness and harmony.

3.  We get what we tolerate.  Today, I will confront my old friend. Take that back.  I will carefront.

      This is speaking the truth while being respectful and affirming.

      Gently, I can say no to his boorishness.  Just as gently as I say yes to his humor and other good attributes. The five words starting this point, "We get what we tolerate," is critical for maintaining the joy we know.

       It is not in the power of others---what they do or say that makes us happy.  It is in being true to our values.  We do not exercise boundaries for others to adhere to them.

    We apply bound-aries----saying what we want and feel, expressing what is alive within us, in-cluding what we don't like----so that we adhere them. We train people how to treat us. 

     That is standing in our power.  This is being true to our integrity.  We are being consistent with our values when we stand by them, living them, not just thinking about them when oth-ers poop on us.

        In yesterday's case, I had a strong need for fairness, sensitivity, and mutuality.

        It did not happen at Gaylord's Espresso Cafe on Piedmont Avenue in Oakland.  One person dominated the conversation.  There was no balance of interaction, no reciprocity.

       There was no forbearing of silent moments.

This includes allowing pauses in our conversations.

      Among good friends, quietude exists, in spades.  It is enjoyed.Moments of warm silence between friends provides tranquili-ty.  It is far better than prattling.

      When there is a lack of silence in conversations, I feel like getting a gun, ending my misery.  I'm just joking, but semi-serious.  It gives you the idea of my need for tranquil-ity and space.

      I am imagining my long-term friend is uncomfortable with silence, when with others.  It was not his job to entertain us.  When we enter-tain, being the kidder, or witty one---we are not our authentic self.

       We are typically uncomfortable and this entertaining response is a coping mechanism.  But it isn't entertaining.

      As Goethe said, "Love, talent, and honor are like a river.  The deeper it is the less noise it makes."  My corollary: "Consider the babbling brook. It is among the shallowest bodies of water, yet it makes constant noise."

      Anyway, by all means, please see this movie.  You'll be glad you did.

       I'll let you know what happens when I speak with the fellow who interrupted everyone and monopolized yesterday's conversation at Gaylord's.