Dips and Turns Are The Stuff of Life. Avoided the Fangs Of An Emotional Vampire 1,000th Post ......... 12/8/14

The Giant Dipper at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk

Innkeeper's Note:  This post is the one thousandth. Wow.  And I have sixty-three drafts I haven't posted.   I like celebrating milestones.

     Thank you, for your visits.  It means much, making what I do here

Calmness in the Eye of the Storm, Revisited.......... 10/25/14

          Hi.  I am beat, working long, in-tense hours and spending time catching the World Series----baseball.  All four games played I have taken in.   An important appointment tomor-row awaits me.  I need rest.  So, I am not

God Chooses the Character Defect He Wants Removed.............. 7/5/14

        Good evening.  I was thisclose to being impulsive.  Dangerously so.  No, I was not stand-ing at the edge of a precipice.  My life is so good I would never consider that.

          But, I lie.  I did stand on the edge of

Calmness In the Eye of the Storm, Part V.................. 12/4/13

       Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from 

     your own actions [and I would add, choices]. Dalai Lama 

        I relate with an unfriendly man.

       Happiness eludes him, often making this man an emotional vampire.   As a child, he endured abuse.  His face reflects the mask of pained anger. 

        It resembles what you observe in portraits of Beethoven.

        Both suffered as children of an alcoholic.  (See footnote for the source of Beethoven's anger.)  This unhappy person suffers from the malady that afflicted the composer.  He has tinnitus---constant ringing in his ears.

        It results from the persistent shrieking he encountered with his mother as a child.

        Over the past two years and four months, this person has transformed.  He's gone from mildly civil and occasionally nice to plain mean.  The other day he gave me a written command.

        I did not believe what I read.  I live in the United States.  Others do not tell me what I can or cannot do.  

   

       I thought I misunderstood him.  I hadn't.

        I let him know I would not com-ply.  He used classic Anglo-Saxon words.  My need for respect, tran-quility pummeled like a thug working over an unsuspecting person in a dark alley.  

       I could not believe my ears.  I spoke kindly.  I replied by detaching, emotionally.  While vomiting his obscenities, I said, "We'll talk when we can discuss this issue as adults."  

        The word detach forms an acronym used in recovery.  It is Don't Even Think About Changing Him/Her

        It is not our job to please unpleasant people.  We don't need the applause of others to feel good about ourselves.  

"I block my own well-being each time I base my self-worth on what I do or what others think of me."                                 Courage to Change, p118

"When the applause of others becomes the reason for my behavior and necessary for me to feel satis-fied, I have given them power over me."                                                          Courage, p. 9

       I excused myself and left. 

       Emotional constancy---love received from our Balcony People helps tremendously.  It sustains us during trying times.  We lean on its support.

       Not caving in to emotion-al vampires maintains our equanimity.  Even when nasty verbal sewage spews forth from others.  Ninety-six percent of our population exists codependently when relating..  

      It involves surrendering our values because we fear the anger or rejection of another.

      This fellow's biting remarks typically hit their mark.  Ninety-six percent of the time, others tremble.  They cower when he rages.  

      Not so for me.

      For most others, encountering tension pushes their buttons.  The nature of codependents requires pleasing angry people.  Not necessary. 

     We are never responsible for the feelings of others.  Our feelings are our property and the feelings of others are theirs. 

     It makes matters worse if we submit to emotional tyrants.  We enable them.

      Better outcomes take place when emotional aikido.  When we do, we avoid bullish behavior.

         With recovery, we maintain our serenity when con-fronted with a stern face.

        The silent treat-ment can be ignored.  We see it for what it is: manipulation, an at-tempt at controlling us.  When we move beyond the dominance of others, we break free from codependency.  

       Recovery helps us to not automatically yield to angry, agitated others.  While caring about the disturbed other, we also attend to our needs.  We respect others, and equally respect our wants, too.

        Recovery prevents us from living on the margin of our lives.   We remain internally referented.  When relating with angry or dominating people, we stay in our power, being true to our values.

       We can stand for ourselves while standing with others.  We feel the enormity of our emotions.  But we are not overwhelmed by them.

       Recovery allows us to say our "no" gently as our yes.  We remain calm, not triggered by others.  We realize we are not responsi-ble for other people's emotions.

       It's nice knowing that the behavior of others is a statement about them, not us.  We can be glad we are not externally refer-ented.

My Gratitudes:

1.  I'm happy I thrive while suffering loss----loss of respect, dignity, and kindness from another, the emotional Beethoven in my life.

2.  I'm encouraged joy is not related to how others treat me.

Witnessing a Beautiful Scene
      I've been working with a woman for nine months. I knew she was elo-quent. She's quiet in social settings. The problem was she didn't believe in herself.

      Tonight, she spoke at a gathering. She did so impeccably.  I couldn't stop the tears that flowed as I watched her smile and talk about the growth she was enjoying.  I was so proud of her.

Serenity, Community, and Joy
Applying Healthy Principles When Relating With Others

       I was touched by a fantastic time.  I met with seven friends to-night. It was uplifting being with optimistic others. They apply practical recovery literature in their lives.

      The people gathered respect Al-Anon Family Group principles.  These guidelines have gone from being information to wisdom applied each day.  The knowledge has moved from the head to the heart.

       Each person who attended tonight is overcoming their vulnera-bilities, strengthening their character.

"We admitted that we are powerless over alcohol [in another], that our lives had become unmanageable."                                                  Step One

      Tonight was soothing. I nurtured myself.  I was at an Al-Anon Family Group meeting.  We discussed Step One.  It reminds us it is not our job to change others.

      We are powerless over alcohol's grip on loved ones.

       Boundaries are used to deal with bombastic or out-of-control personalities. We learn to take care of ourselves.  We handle the havoc alcoholism creates in our lives when asserting our values.

      We use creative ways to overcome tension.

      We learn how to deal with the rage of others.  We do not take on the shame of the alco-holic or that of anyone who troubles us.  The behavior of another is never a statement about us.

       This step has another perspective, too.  It's not our right to dissect others.  We don't judge those who trouble us.  Nor do we gossip about them. We do not violate their anonymity.

      That is not keeping the focus on ourselves.

       In recovery, we learn to not let others rent territory in the property of our minds. Their behavior or values are not our issues.

      We can substitute the word alcohol, in this step, with any other situation. We can admit our powerlessness over our fear, anxiety, depression, etc. The book Hope for Today, p. 164, in Al-Anon Family Group literature, says so.

      Like the rudeness of others.  Or our procrastinating tendencies.  Detaching kindly is often the helpful answer, especially in our relationships with difficult others.  

      If the issue involves ourselves, we do our best to apply healthy al-ternatives.  We turn our struggles over to God.  We rely upon Him for the results.

We entrust the growth or welfare of another to God.  We don't evaluate those who disturb us.  Even when we are certain they are wrong.  It is impor-tant to remember all judgments are never experienced.
  
        They are imagined.

       Compassion is way better. Our job is seeing what we can do to have the life we seek.  We keep the focus on ourselves.

     Our life can be dif-ficult.  If we don't detach from unpleas-ant behavior, Even for the Beethovenish guy mentioned above.or. Even for the Beethovenish guy mentioned above.

"Lord, when we are wrong, make us willing to change.  And when we are right, make us easy to live with."    Peter Marshall

How About You? 
What are your three gratitudes for today?  I'd love to hear them.  You contribute to our community when you post what makes you glad and upbeat.

Footnote: The Rest of the Story
    Beethoven's father was a minor musician, often staying out late at taverns and getting drunk. The young composer's father frequently trotted friends from the tavern to the home at two or three in the morning. Ludwig would be awakened, his parent demanding he perform for the guests.

     Play he would.  And how. If, however, the young boy made a single wrong note, he was tossed down the cellar stairs, locked inside for the night.

     Now you know this, and other abuse he received from a bombastic, narcissistic father---and the chaos he endured as a child----was cause for his serious mug. 

Out of the Hamster Wheel, Into God's Hands 8/19/13 (449)

       Good evening everyone,

My Gratitudes: 

1. This evening, I slowed down.  Nurturing ourselves, is critical.  Doing nothing is a virtue, not a fault.  If not careful, redlining our lives destroys our serenity; living in a hamster wheel gets us nowhere but out of touch with ourselves.  When assaulted by a multitude of distractions, demanding our attention, our feelings lose out.

Ruminations Upon This Special Day ........1/6/13

On this day I started a wonderful journey. 

       I know I mentioned in my previous post that I was going to talk about emotions.  I want to, but not tonight. Today is special for me.  On this date, when I was fourteen, I had my first

Looking at Life Thoroughly, Using the Three A's: The Healing Power of Acceptance ...................10/5/12

You can't undo anything you have already done. But you
 can face up to it.   You can tell the truth.  You can seek for-
giveness.  And let God do the rest.         Unknown

      We celebrate the sanity enjoy-ed when we see life realistically.
      Awareness.  It's a good start, but in-complete.  It's eighty-eight percent of the answer when dealing with prob-lems. There's no remedy without first noticing the problem.

      The ancient Greeks said, "If we aim at nothing, that is ex-actly what we get."  Being intentional about the areas where we want to grow is essential, to get the life we deserve and want. 

       Awareness helps us overcome life's challenges and disappoint-ments.  With it, we enjoy progress.  Our learning curve spikes.

       And life improves.

       Negative circum-stances lingering, for months----perhaps years---are overcome quickly, when using awareness, when our problems have our full attention.

       Awareness is taking ownership of our feelings, attitudes, and behavior.   We take responsibility for our pain, life's difficulties or emotional disappointments.  With honesty towards ourselves, we see our part regarding our plight.

      Vigilance, or awareness about the areas where we want to grow is necessary for a productive, fulfilling life.
   

       Recovery teaches us that no one can make us happy, sad, angry or have any other feel-ing without us giving them permission to do so.  Our feelings are our property, we take ownership of them.  This truth is essential for personal growth.

      Ownership of our emotions is taking our life back.  We move beyond moping over our history.  We deal with the experience of our past.

       We consider what steps we can take to remedy our past pain.  Recov-ery allows us to be present.

     Those who negatively affect us may not be able to change.  They may lack the perspective to see their troubling values or behav
-ior----areas hindering our relationship with them.  Nor may they have the tools to improve their lives.

     That's okay.

     Dealing with the experience of our past pain moves us from relying on those who have hurt us. They no longer need to change or apologize for us to be happy.  Our happiness is no longer conditional, dependent upon a turn around in the victimizer's behavior.
 

      We find ways of moving on.  We are no longer anchored by bitterness harbor-ed towards those who have harmed us.  We show gentleness to-wards ourselves.

      Kindness towards our fears is applied.  We meet the needs beneath them.  We go for a walk, talk with a friend, or curl up with a book we love.

     We associate with emotionally healthy individuals, we apply bound-aries towards those who see us. We nurture ourselves with more rest, better meals, by studying material that empowers and imspires.

    This is staying in the solution. Instead of cursing the darkness, we light a candle.

    We move beyond grief, painful scars and anger.  We replace the inadequate response of bitterness with better behavior, thinking, and forgiveness.  We learn that "Forgiveness is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt." When we do, our lives move forward unencoumbered by the weight of ancient emotions.

  "Acting like a victim is a choice, not a destiny."            Hope for Today, p. 189

"Freedom comes from taking responsibility; bondage comes from giving it away."                        Henry Cloud, Changes that Heal, p. 218

           Happiness and personal fulfillment is ours when we take own-ership for our feelings.  We become emotionally mature when we surrender playing the "Poor Me Victim" role.  Our life vastly improves as we replace inadequate behavior and dysfunctional thinking with new and better alternatives.  (One Day At A Time, p. 280)

Rooting Out the Problem
The Vital Need for Acceptance

      It's vital moving beyond awareness.  Awareness is inspecting our issues from a cognitive perspective.  Acceptance is next.  

       It is taking the perspective awareness provides and dealing with our issues from the emotional perspective, from the heart level.  This step is often overlooked.  We usually focus on solving the problem.  This is trimming the shrub of diffi-culties, not rooting them out.

       Using only our head, our challenges are guaranteed to return.

       Acceptance is being in touch with the issue at the visceral level.  It involves five steps.  It is:
1.  Seeing the vexing area.
2.  Feeling our re-sponse to it.
3.  Taking our feelings a step further. We grieve the loss involved.
4.  Letting the negative sentiments go---often through forgiveness.  Forgiveness is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt.
5.  Seeing what steps we need to take, looking at options that allow us to move beyond our pain.

       This involves connecting with others, getting their support.  It requires determining the fears beneath troubling issues.  Next, is seeing the needs beneath what agitates us and seeing how we can show kindness towards these needs.

       Acceptance is pausing while in the midst of a situational or emotional hurricane.

       Pausing gives us the space needed to choose better responses.  It calms our emotional self.  When we are aware of what is happening in the moment we have vertical integration, our mind comes into play.

      It comforts our agitated feelings.

      With vertical integration our mind goes online.  No longer frantic, we have greater emotional balance.  We also have a better sense of well-being, along with greater executive functioning.

      Acceptance helps remove ten percent of the problem.  Acceptance is not  resignation, "Oh, this is my lot in life.  I have to tolerate it."  It is taking action, not yielding to what's unacceptable.

      It is staying in the solution.

      Here's another critical point: many go straight from aware-ness to action. "I see the problem, and now, this is what I need to do....."  and we design an action plan.  Bad idea.

      When responding this way we are only involving our mind. The heart level plays a part, too.  Acceptance is rooting out the problem.

      When was the last time we made time, determining why we isolate, or inventoried a perturbing area?  Examining  the source for festering issues is critical for mental, emotional and physical health.

      Connecting at the gut level is crucial. If we want healing from pain.  Negative feelings are remedied when they are tended to, not ignored. 

      It is wise looking for the emotional payoff for our unhealthy behavior and limiting beliefs.

     When was the last time we did an inventory of our thinking, checking for false beliefs? When have we noted lingering childhood feelings that keep us caged with depression and powerlessness?  We want to challenge current behavior formed as a child, young adult.

     It's characterologically healing, to ask ourselves if our habitual feelings or thoughts are really true. It's important noting that as children, we may not have had the emotional and psychological wherewithal to process our pain.  As adults, it is more likely we do.

     For this to happen, we need psychological or emotional distance.  It helps us clearly see areas needing growth.  We get this from emotionally healthy friends who accept us.

    When we fail, they are compassionate.  They don't judge us our weaknesses. Instead, they help us discover behavior and thoughts that serve our need to thrive and celebrate life.

       We thrive when surrounded by friends who loves us. Yes, they challenge us, asking hard questions about our feelings, attitudes, and behavior. But they still love us. This is necessary to replace problemed areas in our lives with new and better behavior.

The Shoe Leather of Personal Growth

        Awareness of what triggers us is helpful.  Handling the emotions that surface---meeting the needs beneath them is even more critical.  Next, is applying the shoe leather of practical action.  An action plan is a bridge that takes us from our need to the steps necessary for us to have the life and peace of mind we want.

       Donning the shoes of practical principles and actions help us when we are out in the street of life. They assist us in handling life's demands.  We want to apply healthy alternatives.  We want to move away from unhelpful default modes.  We want to replace unsuccessful former ap-proaches with new and better behavior.

        Practical principles permit us to tread upon the gravelly aspects of life without being harmed.

       Action is the remaining two percent needed for handling painful areas. There you have it, the Three A's.  Awareness deals with the head, acceptance with the heart and action with the feet (what we do).  Applying healthier alternatives---staying in the solution---helps us move beyond what were once monuments of our past pain.

       We will enjoy better relationships, sanity, serenity, emotional health, and ease.

******  

     Recently, life offers more drama than I care for.

     I not sleeping much. No fun.  Am I complaining? I hope not. Inventorying the past few weeks, that's all. Awareness precedes improvements.

Being Kind Towards Myself

"We achieve inner health only through forgiveness - the forgiveness not only of others but also of ourselves."                         - Joshua Loth Liebman

     I lost a notebook containing important records.  Telephone numbers listed within are not recorded on my phone.  It included a lot of my writings.  I'm frustrated and annoyed with myself.

     Occasions like these allow the practice of patience.  It reminds me to be gentle towards myself.  This means forgiving me.

     I'm human. My recent behavior is like many, when stressed in different areas.  Life has been unmanageable.

     I'm thankful for several supporting me today.  Their insight and wisdom provide clarity I don't have right now.  I feel scattered.  Their humor lifts my spirit when, without recovery, I would be in the dark tunnel of despair.

     I provide myself with greater clarity by spending time with friends today.

     I don't take life's gifts for granted. This includes friends.  Life is tense without them.  Some of you, guests to this inn, are included in this group.

      I value prayer. Without it, I'd be lost.  I've discovered over the years that I'm as strong spiritually as I am in my prayer.

How About You? 
Which of the three A's are you using to deal with a rocky area in your life?

God is Not My Spiritual Bell Boy 11/14/11

This image does not
reflect God. I'm sor-
ry if you were mista-

 ken.

        Good evening everyone,

Recently, I was schooled in a lesson while la-boring on a project, lugging a suitcase of tasks related to it, up the steep stairs of unseeable results.  This undertaking was foreign to me, but I was confident in seeing this task completed.

       Others told me to give up.  Nope.  No can do.  

       Success often requires faith, and faith goes beyond the dictates of reason and circumstances.  While pushing ahead, if we---as a result of our insecurities---need all the outcomes figured out, where's the faith?