Keeping Ourselves Free From Emotional Vampires.............. 7/22/19

     There's a fellow that when I see him, I get the creeps.  I feel like the little boy in the movie, "Sixth Sense."  I ask, "Does anyone notice the death surrounding him?"

     "Am I crazy?  Is it just me?" I wonder.

     No, it isn't.  His
eyes are darkened and hollow.  He hunches over when standing.  A pall hangs over him.
   

    Whatever he says, I can't fathom. The deep negativity screaming quietly from his somatic narrative distracts me, making it impossible to follow what he says.

    His smile is like that on the plastic ghouls accompanying bowls of candy on Halloween.  Lifeless.

     This baring of teeth is fol-lowed by dull, vacant eyes.  He is but bones and flesh.  Nothing ani-mates from him.

       The further I distance myself, the more ease I feel-- every time.   What is there to learn?

1.  Connect with uplifting, dynamic people.  If others don't sense what we feel when with negative people, that's okay.   Trust our intuition, by being internally referented. 
   

     Spend time with people who add to our lives, not deplete us.  We invest in people who brighten when they enter--not leave--our presence.

     This is recovery-based discern-ment.  It appears when placing principles---including boundaries---above personalities.  That means our personality, too, especially negative default modes, like passivity, fear and anxiety.

     Prudence is good.  Note the quote below.

     We take care of ourselves showing prudence when we feel our emo-tions and are aware of our needs. We make them our first priority, not last. This is internal referenting. 

      Standing for our values is more important than pleasing others.  This is acknowledging our feelings and need for dig-nity. With healthy self-esteem, we insist on mutuality and balance in all relationships.

      Otherwise, what type of relationship is it?  See here, for more on balanced rela-tionships.

2.  Relating with pleasant people is critical.  Other people's feelings are their property, not ours.  If someone has issues, that is their journey, not ours to fix.  (See this place, too.)

     We take care of ourselves when we relate with those who "fuel" us, avoiding those who drain us emotionally.

      In our youth, we placed the needs of others before ours.  We were told this was being "nice."   It isn't.  There is another word for this kindness:  codependency.

       This disease shortens our lives. It distorts the fairness in our relationships.  It makes us give in, not being true to our values.  It causes us to surrender to the whims of others.
       

Codependency is an un-fortunate result of low self-esteem and perpet-uates it. 

       This sick-ness easily robs us of the joy life offers.  I've studied and worked with codependency in my life and that of others for more than sixteen years.  This disease guarantees misery, depres-sion.  I see its impact every day, in the work I do.

       May I encourage you to attend an Al-Anon Family Group meet-ing?   This is NOT a nickname for Alcoholics Anonymous.  It is a group for those who are family members or friends of an alcoholic.

       Even if you don't know one, it is helpful for those needing help in relating to dominating or manipulative people.  This program is for those who want to grow in asserting their boundaries and develop their self-esteem.
     

      Usually, we were trained at an early age to ignore our-selves, a character-istic of codependen-cy.  The culprits training us to be this way were our family, school, and church.  Tending to our needs is critical.

       We are the num-ber one person on earth responsible for caring for our welfare.  If we don't see to our needs, nobody else will.

       Being internally referented (yes, that is a word) is best for our emo-tional and psychological well-being.  It is determining what we want. We consider what behavior is best for us.

       We contemplate our perspective on an issue---how do we see and feel about our circumstances, regardless of what others want us to think, feel, or believe about it.

       Internally referenting strengthens our resolve when relating.  I contrast this to what I encountered yesterday. I heard a distorted, damaging value spouted to an audience of several hundred.
 

        Many nodded in agreement.  I didn't, because I was not.  Taking place was codependency train-ing, the speaker probably was not aware she was doing this.

      Those attending heard about living without boundaries.  Their values are se-condary to the needs of others.  This is not emotionally healthy behavior.

"When the applause of others is the reason for my behavior and necessary for me to feel satisfied, then I have given them power over me."                   Courage to Change, p. 9.

      As a matter of habit, we frequently place the needs of others before ours.  We want to please.  This is especially true when relating to au-thority figures or loved ones.

      Often, we behave this way because we don't have a sense of intrinsic worth.  We give up big portions of our values because we don't want to lose the relationship, born of desperation.  Any relationship is better than none, we think. (Anne Wilson Schaef, Codependency, Misunderstood, Mistreated, p.44)

           We are mistaken.

      We have value simply because we breathe the breath of humanity.  Holding on to this fact is necessary for mental health and self-esteem.  (Courage to Change, p. 217)

       With recovery, we know our worth.  We insist on being treated with dignity.  We take care of ourselves, first.

       Others are responsible for their needs, not us.  We retire the cape.  We stop being a superhero.

       Life is less chaotic and more balanced when living with boundaries.

       We no longer rescue others. We let them experience the conse-quences of their behavior.  Another person's desire to improve has to be stronger than ours to help. 

        If not, we waste our time and energy, bailing them out.

       This is the beginning of relational sanity.  Letting others take care of themselves creates more ease and tranquility for us.  It's about time.

        Recovery provides a better perspective.  We see the futility of res-cuing others.  Life is drama-free when we put away the superhero outfit.

        We unfetter ourselves from burdens that are not ours.  We are living with sanity. 

      Pushing others, prompting their person- al growth doesn't last.  The motivation for im-provement is not coming from within them.  Knowing this frees us from codependency, wasting our time, and energy.
3.  When with a negative person, it is critical breathing deeply.  Our reptilian limbic system, related to our felt-sense, frequently halts while with a difficult person.  We become immobi-lized, hypoaroused.

       This response is what the brain does when experiencing trauma.  It is normal,  "the deer in the headlights" response.

     Deep breaths upregulate us.  It restores our equilibrium.  We revert back to our stronger selves when living with the pauses that recovery provides.

     Pausing allows us to be aware of what is happening dur-ing tense or traumatic moments.  With this awareness, our emotions are no longer lost in the negative and disturbing feelings stir-red during negative times.
  

     One way of paus-ing is breathing deeply when startled or agitated. It orients us.

     Slowing down lets us determine what steps we want to take.  We are no longer reacting to drama. 

     This is awareness of present experience with recovery-based acceptance. 

     We are responding.  Our executive functioning is intact, helping us sort through our problems and process them effectively.

      Pausing provides greater serenity.  It gives us the space to choose better responses, even in the midst of emotional storms.  We will have an Attitude of Gratitude that gives us joy and happiness that can be found no other way.

     Have a great and grateful Monday.  I know I will.