A Wonderful Event 8/31/17

    There's a wonderful story I want to share.  It happened Tuesday.  I was wrong.

     Someone called me on something I said.  I wasn't wise.  Her correction excited me.  I am thrilled how present  I was when this event took place.

    When we justify what we

Gratitudes of Another Kind 8/29/17

    It is dismaying.

   The destruction and lives lost in Houston, Texas.  I am with you, I am alarmed and sad-dened with this part of the country devas-ted by Hurricane Harvey.  The Federal Emergency Management Agency says it will be

Happiness Is A Choice, Revisited 8/26/17

       "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he."

      Abraham Lincoln echoed this thought with,  "Happiness requires very little, it's all in our way of thinking."  [And, I

Resiliency Revisited.............. 8/20/17

    Thriving during difficult times.

     This is the stuff that emo-tional resiliency is made of.  It is not cowering to abusers.  It is the inner strength that pre-vents us from surrendering when the feet of our character is put to the hot coals of stress.

      Without recovery, this stress is usually self-induced, the result of our projections, judgments and interpretations of the behavior or others. 

      Resiliency is relating with difficult people and not being moved.  While such engaged, we maintain our confidence.  Our happiness is

The Value of Boundaries ....... 8/17/17

Gratitudes for Today:
1.  For boundaries.  They allow me to keep my sanity. Today, I told some-one I was annoyed by his assumptions about me.
    He told me he knew my motives.  He doesn't.  He has

Being A Swami Not Our Job, 2nd Edition ............ 8/9/17

A great way to avoid etching lines in your
 face requires being internally referented. 

      We don't exper-ience an interpreta-tion.
     We imagine them.  Presence requires speak-ing our feelings without inter-preting. Stating our concerns, wants, and perspective  without  judgment   or presumptions  lets others know the real us.

     These authentic words will be more likely heard and felt by friends than control-oriented pro-nouncements. We hurt the relation-ship when we say,
"Oh, you are doing this because..."  Or, "I feel attacked." Or, "Once again you are ignoring me."

        All these statements are faux feelings.  They create judgments about the other person's behavior, not really a statement about our emotions. 

       We do not know what another person thinks.  Nor do we know what transpires within the mind of others. 

        Judgments and assumptions create Life Alienating  Communica-tion (LAC).  LAC drives wedges in relationships. Treating an individual this way demonstrates disrespect.
        When we judge we overlook the other person's need for digni-ty or equality.
        Being present motivates others to listen.  We eliminate our "mind chat-ter" and judgments.  Instead, we say what we feel.  We eliminate interpret-ing, being swayed by our imaginings.

                                                          

                                                           An Example of Being Present

      One recent Sat-urday, I had a mar-velous time with an articulate, smart, fit, attractive woman, a decade younger than me.  We went to the Fairmont Hotel in San Francisco.
        I showed up in a suit, vest, and tie. She filled out a gown, wearing a necklace and high heel shoes, to boot.  Not a common arrange-ment nowadays.
        We listened and delighted in a favorite artist of mine, Eric Shifrin. 

        He does with the piano keys what a Las Vegas dealer does with playing cards--a dazzling display of artistry.  Eric is a  jazz pianist who thrills the ears of those dining and drinking at the Laurel Court Restau-rant located within the hotel.  When he plays, you want to be there.

      One of my favorite exper-iences is yielding as he caresses my ears with music.  While there, I put a hand on his shoul-der, visiting with him as he played the grand piano, in the center of the room.
        We've known each other for fifteen years. He  said he was performing at the hotel for the next two weeks.  The idea of seeing him perform next week had me on cloud nine.
        My date agreed to see him again in six days, the following Friday.
        That Friday, I got ready, donning a different suit and tie.  I called my lady friend, letting her know I would drop by in a few minutes.

In this case, I'm referring to the
last two qualities stated here. 

     "I can't make it.  I am too tired from work.  I'm sorry," she said.
     "It disappoints, and angers me you waited until the last moment to let me know," I said.  "I need more sensitivity. If given a proper notice, I would have ar-ranged for someone to go with me.  I can't get anyone to go with me now."
        "I understand your exhaustion and I am frustrated," I continued.  I need consideration, sensitivity, and better communication when we re-late. Next time, I insist on being informed much sooner when you change  your plans." She agreed

.

         I modelled being present.  No judgments.  I stated what was going on within me.  No interpretations, assumptions or conclusions about her.
       When we are present, we connect with what we sense and feel when with that person.  We authentically express our feelings without judgement.  When we do, bonding takes place.
        Rifts become mended, the relationship can heal and forgiveness blossoms.
       That occurred on another occasion, too.  I had a difficult conver-sation, crying three times.  But, I was real.

      The next day, cycling with my son, I was emotionally cleansed, as if awakened from the coffin of despair.  My im-passioned vulnerability the previous day helped me soar from a bank cloud of turbu-lent feelings churned by the intense conversation.  It helped me emerge into a clearing of sanity and seren-ity.
       Being present and vulnerable provided me with peace of mind.
       I was happier, too. In my body and spirit, I was.  I was not in my mind, the old unhelpful refuge I ran to when mistreated as a little boy.

      What made this possible?  When the trauma happened, in that painful conversation, I was present.  I expressed my anger and resent-ment.  Quietly.  Tearfully.  Respectfully, but honestly.
       I was true to self.  I was not the nine-year old Pablo.  I was not panicking, stuffing the anger or resentment I felt within.

       It was fulfilling.  I was with someone who respected my authenticity.
       When we do not interpret or judge others, they will more likely listen.  They will not be defensive.  Why?  Be-cause we are saying   what we heard them say instead of why we think they said it.
        It's not our job, be-ing a swami.
        Our imaginings do not become a crystal ball, allow-ing us to judge.  We can be entirely wrong with our inter-pretations.  We are not God.
        We don't know the heart---the motives---of others.  As much as we assume we may, we do not know what another person thinks.  We dem-onstrate arrogance, if we believe we do.

We want to stop judging

         Judgments also harm us when we apply them towards those who have harmed us severely.   Often, their behav-ior had nothing to do with us.  It wasn't because we were bad, deserving mistreat-ment.
         Their actions were the result of baggage they had before we were ever around, a result of their insecurities.
         We are angry because of our interpretations, the men-tal static that bombards our minds.  When that occurs, we are not responding to what happened.  These negative thoughts and emotions may make us feel wronged but righteous.

     We are stirring up misery, harboring bitterness within.  Where is the growth in that?  Living by our interpretations validates the story in our head. And it can be entirely wrong.
        It may be as genuine as a wooden nickel.
        Authenticity sets us free from self-imposed misery.  Being in touch with what we are experiencing---our feelings, and needs---allow us to live in reality.  Being genuine involves speaking our truth calmly, without fear.
        We say our no as gently as our yes.  Experiencing authenticity allows us to know equanimity and healing.   And a peace of mind that can be gotten no other way.

Hope For Our Past 7/31/17

     I am posting again.

     This is the fourth post in two-and-a-half weeks.  I am glad.  Writing meets my need to self-express.

     It also allows us to be together. Thank you, for dropping by.  It fills the rooms of this inn, which makes the innkeeper happy.

Tested, Not Found Wanting................ 7/29/17

Take a guess. Who is the colorful penguin? 

     Good evening.  How are you?  I'm resting today after an intense week.

     I did something different over the past four days, in-between seeing clients.  I negotiated with someone on the East Coast.  It required

Rolling With Manipulative Punches, Enjoying Life.................. 7/26/17

     Good after-noon, everyone,  I am getting back to the vision of this inn of gratitude. This is the place where we can share what we are thankful for.

     I would be happy, if you could join me, by adding your gratitudes. I only ask for three.

 My Grati-tudes for Today:
1.  I am sleeping better.  I am getting more hours of it.  This is progress in the right direction. When I sleep more, my thriving and equanimity increases.

Signs We Are Toxic 7/14/17

      

     We should expect struggles with others. 

     Especially when hurdling significant issues in a relationship.   Conflict happens.

      One crucial pattern prevents a relationship from growing.  We do not see our contribution to the difficulties we have with others.  This makes resolution unattainable.

      We can be negative.  On occasion, we exercise toxic behavior, preventing our relationships from thriving.  Such behavior alienates our connection with others.

     Our inner struggles prevent us from healthy, in-depth relating. Toxicity inhibits authenticity----being our true selves.

     One tough challenge involves identifying it.  Sometimes we can't discern our issues.  (See here.)  It can be painful, admitting we contribute to our struggles with others.

     Often, our lack of discernment results from false beliefs created in childhood.  

     When we take ownership of behavior that does not serve us, relationships improve.  The following is a list of toxic signs we sometimes are guilty of:

I. We Blame  Others For Our Problems

  A. Rarely is something         one person's fault.

      1. Usually, we play a role, too.

      2. It's a red flag if we think everyone is out to get us.  That is not reality.  It is impor-tant working on our contribution.

   B. We Are Sur-rounded By People Who Make Life Mis-erable.
     1. A toxic person stays in an unacceptable situation.  In recovery, we learn to not accept unacceptable behavior. 
C.  We Accept the Victim's Role
      1. We Blame Others for Our Problems. 

"Freedom comes from taking responsibility; bondage comes from giving it away."   

                            Henry Cloud, Changes That Heal

     2. We don't address our part in the problems we face.

     3. A individual living with recovery relates with emotionally healthy            people.

 
     It's best to take responsibility for our feelings, attitudes, and behavior. We express the needs beneath our feelings.  We learn:

"If we feel like a doormat, we need to get off the floor."    Courage to Change, 361. 

        Staying in the solution is finding the steps necessary to have the life we want. This requires awareness of our present experience and using acceptance to move beyond our difficulties.

   Possible Action Steps

1. Think about what troubles us.
2. Evaluate our contribution.
    a. Be honest. Admit our failures to those we've wronged.
    b. Make things right, using amends.
3. Use Nonviolent Communication when someone irritates us.
    a. It is empowering; it eliminates blame or complaining.
    b. Express what is alive within us, our needs and feelings. This is being present.
4. Avoid the "Poor Me Victim" position.
    a. When doing that, we blame the entire problem on the other person.

II.  We Talk Behind People's Backs

A. From our earliest days in grade school, we've been tempted into conversations that hurt others and malign their character.
    1. Gossip is a part of life. It will likely continue forever.
    2. Avoid being an active participant.  We can't hold a person down with gossip without staying down with them.
B. We don't want to be the hub for this toxicity circulating within our circle of friends.
    1. Walk away from conversations that hurt others.

"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth but only such word as is good for edification, according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear."  Ephesian 4:29

         a. Talking negatively about others never contributes towards the
             common welfare.
         b. It is not constructive.
         c. It robs a group of the unity it can have.
   2. Don't be associated with negativity.
C. It's understandable having the need to vent after an argument. It's one thing having a confidante we can trust. It's another issue engaging in "trash talk."

    If something bothers us, take a few moments to gather our thoughts. Speak our concerns directly.

Taking Action
1. Get honest with yourself about hurtful things said or done to others.

         a.  Determine the feelings beneath our judgments and express them instead. 

2.  If someone confronts our actions.

          a.  Take a deep breath and own our unacceptable behavior.

        "An admission of error is a sign of strength rather than weakness."                    Goethe

       'Fessing up reveals teachability.  We demonstrate humility, admitting we are less than perfect.  
         d.  Make amends if needed. 
                   1.  Ask what you can do to make things right. 
                   2.  Apologies are not helpful.
         e.  Commit to being more respectful in the future.

Taking A Better Look
    Earlier, a passage was cited.  We are going to zero in on it.  The quote tells us there are four helpful qualities to have in mind when talking with others:

"Let no unwholesome words proceed from your mouth." 

     Firstly, this passage informs us we want to make sure our words are wholesome.  In this Ephesians passage, the word for unwholesome referred to maggot-infested fruit. The writer paints a picture. When we gossip, it is like maggots pouring from our mouths.

     Not a pretty image, is it?

     Much better is a restorative conversation. The following steps share how that is possible.

"[Say] only such a word as is good for edification."

    Secondly, the writer encourages us to let it build up, not tear down others when we speak. We get the word building---edifice---from edification. We'll need to remove judgment and gossip from our conversation. 

    What can we say that is constructive?  What can we share that helps people feel better because of our time?  This is a terrific way of focusing on what we say.

       "According to the need of the moment."

    Thirdly, the passage tells us we want to speak that is timely and relevant for the moment.

This means we do not dump the truck on a person, bringing up all the hurtful things in the past that bother us about them when we are upset with them. We stay focused and present, stating what is the vexing issue right now. We are neither hysterical nor historical when talking to someone who troubles us.

"That it may give grace to those who hear." 

     Lastly, the result of our conversations should bring grace. We don't use this word anymore. What does this mean?

    Now, grace means a quick prayer before a meal. Or it is a girl's name.

   Grace used in the quote refers to leaving a healing, restorative impact on the one we are relating with. This is our goal regarding the result we want to leave after being with a person. Typically, this is the exact opposite of how we want to be when we are perturbed.  Right?

  When angry, we want to verbally stab the person who bothers us. The idea of being gracious when irritated is quite a rebuke to us, isn't it?

  This idea of grace is in keeping with a comment made by Oprah Winfrey:

"We may not remember what a person says after we were with them.  But we will remember how we felt after we spent time with them."

      Do individuals feel they are better because they spent time with us?  Do they feel more at ease? Do they feel loved, and cared for?   If so, we dished out grace during our time spent with them; we have given grace to those who hear (from us). 

       Do people feel more lighthearted?  Have they laughed during their time with us? If so, we have given grace to those we have spent time with. 

III.  We Take More Than We Give

  A.  Problems arise if we have a never-ending string of requests.  But we do not return the favor.

            1. Do we find ourselves hiding when others ask for help?

            2. Do we make excuses for why we don't lend a hand or offer assistance?

              a. If so, it won't be long before people stop responding to our pleas in times of need.   
  "He who has friends must show himself friendly."   Jewish proverb
            In other words, if we want friends, we need to be one. 

Taking Action
1. Think of someone having a hard time.

       a.  Offer a few ways in which we can help.

2.  Be realistic and honest if we are struggling or strapped for time.

       a. We can say something like, "I wish I could do more but, right now, I'm able to…"

3.  Start small if you have to.  Anything is better than nothing!

IV. Our Friends Have Disappeared

   A. When people leave us,            they tend to do it qui-etly.  They want to avoid an uncomfortable confrontation.

        1. They are, after all,                 pulling away for a reason. It's not until a special occasion, crisis, or signifi- cant event occurs that we realize how alone we've become.

    B. If our birthday rolls around and no one offers to celebrate with us, we might have to acknowledge our friends have jumped ship.

       1. It can be tempting to get mad.

            a. We might feel like sending angry messages, demanding an explanation for their                             behavior.

        2. If we want answers, the wise thing would be to reflect on our recent behavior.      

            a. Have we been negative, demanding, or overly dramatic?

            b. More than likely, we have pushed people away without realizing it.

 Taking Action:

1.  Be honest with ourselves about why our friends have gone into hiding.

2.  Reach out, and allow them to express their frustration with our behavior.

3.  Decide whether the friendship is worth saving.

     a.  If it is, make amends for our actions, not apologies.

     b.  Commit to making improvements.

V. Our Life Is Constantly Full of Drama

   A. Everyone can go through some pretty intense moments in their lives.

       1.  Sometimes, we honestly can't help what's happening to us.

       2.  All we can do is stay strong while                     focusing on improving our                 situation.

   B.  It's entirely different, however, if we                  thrive when things are going wrong. For            many of us, it was our normalcy while                 growing up.

     1. Drama can be addictive.

        a. We might have become hooked on the attention
                   received when our life is in tatters.
              b. We might be on the precipice of being the boy
                  who cried wolf too much.
     2. But your loved ones will grow tired of                 listening to endless complaints.

           a. We want to find solutions to our problems.
           b. If we relish the hopelessness of a dramatic existence,  
               we've probably allowed toxicity to enter our lives.
 What Can We Do?

1. Explore the reasons why we            might be attracting drama.

2. Identify any negative patterns that keep things on the crazier side.
      a. Like, do we hang out with toxic people?

3. It's possible that we feel ignored and neglected by loved ones.

a. If so, communicate how you are feeling and then find new,       productive ways to keep in touch.
 VI. We Can't Let Go

    A.  It can be really hard to move on when we've been hurt or disappointed by someone or               something.  Most of us, though, find our way through these tough moments and begin  
           looking forward to the happier times that lie ahead.

       B. We may refuse to cut ties with people who hurt us or we are determined to hold a grudge.

       1.  It might become very difficult for those around us to be supportive. One of the main                     reasons for this is that things will never improve as long as we stay in a toxic situation or               mindset.
       2.  If we aren't willing to take the necessary steps to better our life, why should we expect                   others to stick around and listen to us complain?

Taking Action

1.  Accept someone's apology and work hard on forgiveness.
2.  Remember that "Forgiveness is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt." Also, "We cannot keep a person down without staying down with him."

2.  Stop obsessing over, and throw away, mementos from a failed relationship.

3.  Find a new hobby where you can make new friends.  

      It's not easy — moving on takes effort — but if you keep putting one foot in front of the               other, one day you will look back and be able to see how far you've come.

VII. We Have An Intense Need to Be Right

  A. There's a saying: "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Wouldn't it be great          if we could be both right and happy all the time?  Sure!  Is that possible or realistic? Abso-            lutely not.

   B.  Besides, in most situations, there will be more than one way to be "right." It's all about                  compromise and seeing other people's perspectives!  This is the Tradition Two perspective.

   C.  You find yourself irritated. You made a mistake at work, or one of your theories was proven          wrong by someone else. 

       1. We might need to ask if these arguments are worth damaging our relationships or hamper-            ing our ability to be happy.

       2. It might be hard conceding to others.  But life will be easier once we see how much more              peaceful our life becomes.

 Taking Action

       1.  Resist the need to jump in with a fact or detail that proves you are correct.

       2.  Learn to be content with allowing others to find their own answers, especially if it means               keeping the peace.

       3.  Learn to say, "You might be right."  After all, how important is it, to always be right?

            a.  All we are doing is making ourselves annoying to others when we are unable to budge.

VIII. We Tend to Focus On the Negative

     There are positives and negatives to every situation in life. While we must consider any poten-tial consequences to our actions and choices, life is far more pleasant and pro-ductive when we adopt an optimistic outlook.

    A. When you find yourself          focusing on what could          go wrong in a situation          or if you constantly                  feel the need to give              those around you a "re-ality check," you have begun to place a higher value on negativity than all of the positives that exist around you.

    B.   After a while, this behavior attracts other toxic, negative people.  

         1. You may find yourself struggling to feel good about anything.

 Taking Action

  1. Surround yourself with positive people.

  2. Be honest with others that you are trying to be less pessimistic.

  3. Create a gratitude journal.

        a.  Before bed, list five things that happened during your day for which you are thankful. It's             a game and perspective changer!

IX. We Dominate the Conversation

    A. Think about the last time you sat down and talked with a friend.

            1.  Did the conversa-tion volley back and forth between you or was it more one-sided?         

            2.  If you determine your issues and interests dominated the discussion, extend your reflection to all of your interactions. Are you regularly hogging the spotlight, cutting people off?

    B. There are few things more frustrating and toxic than going through the effort of meeting a             friend for a lunch date and then spending the next hour trying to get a word in edgewise.               It's inconsiderate, selfish, and sends the message that you aren't interested in anyone else's             life but your own.

Taking Action

1.  If you realize you are dominating the conversation, make a date with a friend.

    a.  Let them do all the talking.

    b.  Get things back on an even playing field, and learn more about what's been happening in their            life.

    c.  Show them they are important to you.

    d.  Going forward, make an effort to keep the conversation balanced so that you both walk                away feeling heard and valued.

X.  A More Positive Future

     A.  So don't feel bad if we identify with several signs of being toxic.

            1. Commit to making healthy changes, make amends with those offended.  

            2.  It's no fun realizing we are responsible for bringing negativity into our life as well as                      those around us.

      B.  We may find we are running in circles, repeatedly fighting the same battles.

            1. We alienate friends.

            2. We are overwhelmed with pessimism. 

      C.  When we find ourselves in such a place, we need to step back and evaluate what is truly               causing our problems.

           

        The good news is that, the sooner we take owner-ship of our role in our unhappiness, the quicker we kick toxic, alienating behaviors to the curb.  This list of negative qualities shows up in the best of us.

        Commit to making healthy changes.  When we do, we are creating a better today and tomorrow.  When times are tough, we'll feel stronger. 

        Consider using the action steps suggested.  When we do, we create and attract a positive, supportive community.   It will help us during times of trouble.  

      We will move from singing the blues to enjoying a life that is exciting because of the close, authentic relationships we now share.