Better Relationships, Using the Feedback Formula............ 12/08/21

     The Feedback Formula provides peace of mind and healthier relationships.

     Do you know what helps us when some-one troubles us?  This tool.  It allows us to express our feelings and needs clearly without being aggres-sive. 

      It reveals our response if the prob-lem persists.  We speak our truth, which reduces frustration and increases our serenity and ease when enduring difficulties. 

  

     Susan Campbell, author, and psychologist taught me this technique. She mentored me for six months a few years ago. Using it, my relation-ships improved. 

     An overview of the formula: 

"When you do __X, (what-ever behavior)__, I feel _Y (state your emotions)_.  If you continue to do _X   (the behavior)_, I will do _Z_(the consequences)_." 

        The focus lies upon the Zs, the consequences.

  A Specific Example: 

     Let's say someone bothers me by frequently interrupting.
     

 "I notice I can't finish my senten-ces when I speak."

        That's X, the behavior. 

       "When you do that, our conver-sations are irri-tating, annoy-ing." 

        That's Y, the feelings.

        "If you continue to talk over me when we have a conversation...."

         That's X, the behavior mentioned once again in this formula.

         I finish my comment by saying,

          "We will need to put a bookmark in our conversation until it has the balance, and reciprocity it deserves." 

         That's the Z in this formula, the consequences.
       

       There's no judg-ment, blame, shame, guilt, or fear when using this approach.

        We do not use life alienating communication.  Instead, we give feedback, saying what goes on inside of us.  In this example, we reveal our response to the disturbing behavior---being interrupted.

        Also, just as vital, we express what we will do if the vexing behav-ior continues.

        As with developing any skill, practice becomes essential.  Any behavior worth doing requires doing it badly.  It is like learning a tune on a musical instrument.  

        We need to do the regular practice that produces progress.  That's how we get better.  Using this tool will improve our relationships. 

        Good mental health requires us to self-express.

       Like what is sung about in the song the Hokey Pokey, that is what the Feedback Formula is all about ---saying what oc-curs within us.  When communicating transparently, we enjoy authenticity.  We connect genuinely with others.

       This is the opposite of being controlling.

     The Feedback Formula Prevents Manipulation

      No one likes be-ing controlled, having outcomes manipulated. 

      We want to re-veal what happens when interactions do not meet our needs.  These needs include emotional safety, closeness, and appre-ciation.  In the exam-ple above, I address my need for fairness, respect, a balanced conversation. 

       I disclose my need to be heard, not cut off when speak-ing. 

       This exercise reduces our frustrations.  We state what we want.  We will feel better because we see that our needs are met.

       The example demonstrates having a balanced conversation.  We insist on speaking without the other person interrupting. We express our needs. 

       When we reveal what is transpiring to emotionally mature peo-ple, the relationship thrives.  The Feedback Formula removes manip-ulation, managing outcomes.  It creates authenticity, critical for relationships to grow and mature.

     

      To not feel our emotions or wants reveals controlling be-havior.  Think about that.  Usually, we avoid conflict; we comply.  We prevent others from knowing what percolates within us.

       We believe we will create a stink if we stand up for our beliefs.  We fear the anger or disapproval of others.

      Complying with others prevents others from knowing the real us beneath the people-pleasing us.  With authenticity, genuine bonding will take place.   Our relationships satisfy our need for connection, closeness.

      We want others to know our values.  When that happens, bonding takes place, satisfying our soul.

     With genuine bonding, we en-counter strength and grace. With practice, we internalize char-acter qualities we do not have on our own. Life begins to invigor-ate us.

       Healing takes place.

        Using the  Feedback For-mula, life will reduce its frustra-tions. We live life on life's terms. We escape the cage of pleasing others at the expense of not being our true selves.

       The wings of our authentic self unfurl.

       Life develops a depth greater than imagined.  We en-joy a presence of mind that honors our wants and feelings.  It allows us to soar to heights in rela-tionships we have never known before.

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      If you want to know other areas where we can experience personal growth---like today's example---let me know in your comments below.  Thanks!