Lessons Learned After Relating with a Negative, Critical Person................... 2/27/21

      A project I finished yester-day. 

     I did tasks I don't care for: it involved facts, figures, and sum-maries. Not my typical work.  Seven hours

I labored over it. 

     Serving a controlling, pushy, demanding individual required ex-ercising discipline.  I worked on a project I did not want to do because of the annoying nature of the person who needed my help.  He wanted the project done last week.  

     Two weeks ago I told him it would be completed yesterday at 6:15 p.m.  He complained to others.  Agitated that I served others who booked work with me before him, he threatened me for not catering to him.  

     His way, he demanded.  My reluctant compliance to his de-mands is never kindness; it is slavery.  That is never acceptable; that ended centuries ago. 

     We don't need to cater to anyone.  Instead, we use boundaries to resist manipulation.  They provide order, eliminate chaos, and define us. 

      Some people use anger to motivate and threaten us.  That won't work if we stay out of the FOG.  

      We want to avoid being motivated by Fear, Obliga-tion, or Guilt.  Anger is a form of manipulation, control. Heal-thy relationships are recipro-cal, respectful.

      An angry individual, like the person I did the project for, does not want us to make decisions based on principles that differ from theirs.  He or she wants us to make choices based on their reaction to our values or boundaries.   

     An inviolate law of recovery means placing principles above personalities, including ours. 

      Personal growth overcomes default modes that don't serve us, re-sponses like passivity, codependency, or constantly reacting.  This fellow provided an opportunity for me to practice staying in my power instead of cowering to an aggressive person. 

      Presence enables us to not be swayed when someone tries to con-trol us.  Maintaining our dignity has us at times dig our heels in the sand of recovery.  This response holds especially true when another wants us to bend to his or her way, without even considering our needs or feelings.  

      Fairness provides the bedrock of enduring relation-ships.  

      Our needs, as well as that of others, must both be met.  Healthy relationships thrive upon reciprocity. 

     The common welfare in a relationship must be a priority when connecting with others.  Tradition 1 in recovery tells us so: 

 Our common welfare must come first.  Personal prog-               ress for the greatest number depends upon unity.                                                             Tradition One

        Among our foremost needs are emotional safety, connection, ap-preciation, and balance when relating. 

      Working with people like the person I did the project for reminds us of the support recovery offers.  We under-stand life more clearly.  We don't expect a person to change who can't. 

       Expecting others to change creates frustration. "An expectation is a resent-ment waiting to happen."  Insanity occurs when we refuse to see reality.

       Recovery helps us clearly see our circumstances.  Yesterday, when I completed the project, I did not get a cent.  I knew that when I started.  

        He had a one-word email reply upon receiving the work I did: "Thanks."  I enjoyed his response.  It made clear his character.

        His inability to express more than one word of gratitude for my seven-hour effort spoke volumes.  His response confirmed my grasp of him.  Instead of being irritated, I found his response hilari-ous. 

      We get what we toler-ate.  Because of this principle, last November I stopped work-ing with him.  I help people who are kind and considerate.

      Besides, his desire to im-prove was not stronger than my desire to help.  This is a deal-breaker when working with others; he wasted my time along with his money.  

      He wanted personal growth without effort.  Not possible.  We have to: 

"Exercise the hands that are weak [the areas where we struggle] so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed."

      We experience personal strength and success only through effort. 

      I don't get paid to be mistreated.  When someone cannot be kind they can relate with others, not me.  I respect myself too much to accept unacceptable behavior. 

     Tolerating someone who dominates us reveals codepen-dency:

 "There is a price that is too great to pay for peace.  One cannot pay the price of self-respect."    Woodrow Wilson. 

     Recovery teaches us to hold everything with an open hand.  What happens in life remains out of our control.  We are powerless over the nouns and pronouns in life--people, places, and things. 

      Do our tasks, leave the results in God's hands.  It frees us from frus-tration.  It stops us from being controlling, wanting outcomes to go our way. 

      The person I worked for endures an unhappy and bit-ter life, the result of living within his head. 

      I've learned unless we are destitute, we work with those who are kind, and considerate.  

      Finishing the project provided peace of mind.  I no longer relate to this individual.   

      Our intuition helps when sussing others. If someone gives us a sour taste, move on.  It is best to focus our attention on those who provide energy, not deplete ours.

      Recovery teaches us to allow others to be manipulative and angry without being affected by their behavior. 

      When we do this we taking care of ourselves and detaching with love.  Happiness often requires letting go of outcomes. 

      It takes time to know the character of others.  Being careful be-fore including others in our lives exhibits wisdom.  What I went through the past two weeks while working for this person demon-strates a perfect example.

       Wishing us all healthy, positive relationships.