One Second of Response Time for Every Year Invested in Personal Growth ..............................4/14/12

A smile of encouragement at the right moment may act like sunlight
 on a closed flower. It may be the turning point for a struggling life.
Image: "Wetlands: Day Is Done" by Tim Blessed. (Caption by the photographer.)
All rights reserved, copyrighted photograph. Used by permission. 

       In Friday's post, "Emotional Aikido, A Great Way to Handle Stressful Moments With Others" Keith commented:

  "I find the concept of Verbal Aikido quite fascinating-thanks for introducing me. Also, I completely agree with the concept of detaching yourself emotionally while in adversarial scenarios-a sort of "emotional compartmentalization.: so-to-speak.”

      I'm giving this important subject---that can greatly contribute to our happiness---the attention it deserves. So,
I'm posting this response in the main room to the inn, not in the comments section. 

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     Keith,

First, thanks for your regular contributions to this inn by adding your comments. I definitely know my perspective is small. I'm just one person. When others add their insights, this inn is better for it.  We get a broader view. 

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      It's taken me years, but I so appreciate learning to respond and not react, when in crisis. Be it if I'm wrangling with my own issues or if I'm having a conflict with another.

     There's a saying in personal growth/recovery circles: we get one second of response time for every YEAR we invest in our own growth.  I've found it true.

      It doesn't make sense talking with a person when they are drunk. This is also true if the person is emotionally intoxicated. I also realize that, in crisis moments, that the out of control person can be me, even if outwardly I appear calm!

     Pausing---responding, placing a bookmark in the volatile conversation---is preferred to locking horns with another. (Click here for more about this.)

     I'm mindful that no one can make me happy, angry, sad or any other feeling without me giving them permission to do so. (Paths to Recovery, p. 13, second to the last paragraph.)

     When tempted to engage in a conflict, I ask myself, "how important is it?" Usually it isn't worth jeopardizing my sanity or serenity. Yep, detaching is great. Doing so with love is the the tricky part. I'm glad that I've learned that I can say my "no" as gently as my yes. 

The Matrix. This is Keanu dodging the bullets.

      Working on my character issues over the years helps me see potential conflicts like the bullets shot at Keanu Reeves in the movie "The Matrix."  I've learned how to pause such moments and dodge the bullets or venom that can be directed my way during intense or abusive conversations. Sometimes, just saying, "you could be right" can defuse a difficult, sticky moment.
      I've also learned that empathy with the person I'm disagreeing with often helps. It also soothes my stubborn nature when I remember that empathy does not mean agreement. I'm just connecting with the feelings and needs expressed by the other person. When they feel heard, they often realize, in that moment, they can stop huffing and puffing. They have my attention about their concerns. (For more about this please see this post.) 

       Thanks Keith, for your comments, they encourage me and make me want to work hard as the innkeeper. 

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      In my next post, I'll respond to Vanessa's comment in the same article.