Being Present: Freed From the Curse of Thinking 2/27/16

     Descending from cloud nine.

     A fantastic evening spent with family. Went from the ago-ny of deep dread to beyond ecstatic ela-tion.

      I took in a win.  It happened in the last 3/5 of a second of the game. Slapped hands with many in the crowd at the Englander Restaurant.  I was

One Cause for Unsafe Relationships 2/22/15

     Who doesn't want to be happy? That is possible when we have great friend-ships.
   
     Without them, we feel "incredible im-mense pain," as one client told me this week.  We may feel like a failure, like this

The Six Benefits of Loss, Revised............ 2/13/15

     Tomorrow, Valentine's Day,  we turn our hearts to-wards love.

      I related for several years with someone astonishing.  Her letters reached my

Embracing Differences, Revisited and Revised............ 2/10/16

     Who likes tension in a rela-tionship?

     Wouldn't it be good, learning a skill that reduces that pos-sibility? Embracing differences hon-ors anyone trapped in the web of a contentious relationship, too.  It helps when having difficulties with loved ones. This practice prevents the two forms of inauthentic relating: evasiveness and indirect communication.

     Can you imagine what it would look like, clearing the air with someone who irritates us?  Would it not be great doing so without judging each other?  Wouldn't it be encouraging, arriving at answers we never dreamed of?

        This practice steers us away from assuming, analyzing, interpreting others.  This skill helps us stop assessing the behavior and words of those we relate with. When exercising these four possibilities, we lack being present.  We are controlling and manipulating.  Ouch!

     Embracing differences promotes intimacy.  It helps us understand. It lets others know us.  It is a truth skill.  Using it dis-sipates fears.

      We can embrace relation-ships fearlessly.  Judgment will not take place.   We do not deny who we are.  This is something we often do to keep a relationship.

Defining the Skill

     Embracing differ-ences is taking in several points of view at one time.  We consider them in relation to one an-other.   It is listening without judging.  It is empathizing with differing opinions. 

     All the while we remain grounded with our boundaries and perspective. 

       This skill reminds me of a quote:

"Our mind is like a parachute.  It only works when it is open."

I add a corollary: we don't want our minds to be so open that our

brains fall out.

     This skill is step-ping away from black and white thinking.  Typically, we react when an individual has a different perspective. We say they are wrong.

      This practice prevents that.  In many cases, when there is a differ-ence we think there are only three possibilities.  We can flee.  We can yield.  Or we resort to fighting.

      This truth skill provides another option.  We expand our vision.  We can hold different positions without seeing anyone as wrong.  We all fit in, as we are.  There are some sacrosanct moral areas: murder, stealing, lying, etc.

      They are never right.  But other than these moral values and a few others, the sky is the limit.

      Our perspective is broadened.  We move beyond preconceived notions when exercising this skill.  Narrow-mindedness is reduced. Right-sized, we are.  We become aware that we are part of something bigger than ourselves, when relating.

       In recovery, this is Tradition Two.  We operate by consensus---everyone's voice has to be heard and considered before coming to conclusions.

       Did you notice what is absent?  Dominance, ego and pride. Instead, there is mutuality, reciprocity.  We are able to level.  We will be more honest.

       Using this skill, no matter how old we are, we continue to mature.  Authenticity, integrity grows if we keep this perspective.  This skill provides a win-win situation.  Apart from it, conflict easily arises.

       No longer is it our way or the highway.  We move beyond passivity, too.  It is critical expressing our feelings and needs.  Embracing differ-ences is a terrific antidote to the sickness of codependency.

       In this post, the subject is detailed.  For a one sentence definition, codependency is surrendering our opinions or values because we fear the anger or rejection of another.  I no longer suffer from this disease.  A slave to it, I was, for decades.  Freedom from its shackles happened after working intensely on this weakness of character for three years.

        I have maintained this freedom for another nine years.  I use re-covery.  I attend Al-Anon Family Groups.  I take in principles learned from relationships developed within that fellowship.  Its literature for-tifies me .

        Anne Wilson Schaef's book on this subject is an enormous help. So is the book Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend.

Imaginings Are Not Reality............... 2/4/16

     How are you?

     Lately, guests to this inn have raced over to visit the new addition here.  It has been the most read feature.  In less than

Taking Inventory 1/28/16

       I slowed down today.

       I continue processing what happened last month.  Both on relational and professional fronts.  It's good, resting.  I am not busying myself.  That's a common way to avoid feelings.

       Feelings are what make me alive.  Even the ugly ones, the ones that scare me.Why? Because they are idiot lights on my emo-tional dashboard.  These negative, red flashings upon my consciousness scream out that

Compassion: Connecting With the Needs and Feelings of Others 1/27/16

"If we want compassion, we must be conscious of the words
 we use.  We want to speak and listen from the heart."

     "When we keep the spot-light on the other person's feelings and needs, we sup-port their per-sonal growth. Their motiva-tions will come from a desire to connect rath-er than to please others,           being rewarded or avoid criticism.  

"We also support others in evaluating for them-selves how well they are meeting their needs, rather than encouraging that they look to others for their evaluation. 

"Celebrating successes is an opportunity to connect with another. Instead of   offering an evaluation such as "Great Job" or "You're smart," empathize with the feelings and needs that are met for the person you're relating with:   'Are you glad because you solved the problem?' "        

                     Marshall B. Rosenberg

                              ****************************

      Let me know what you think about this quote.  I agree with Rosenberg's focus on getting away from judgment, even when it's positive, like praise.  

      What ways do you encourage others?  Do you like it when someone says, "Good job," to you?  Is it just me being finicky?  When someone says that to me, I feel as if they've put themselves in a one up position.  I don't like that.  Nor does anyone have the right to do. 

      Thank you for dropping by.  May you have a great week.  It can be busy.  If we don't know our focus.
     

Fitting In, Just As We Are ................ 1/24/16

        I don't hip hop.

        No, I'm not saying I can-not move like a rabbit.  I'm expressing I don't dance like many of the current genera-tion.  I got to know a lot of terrific people recently. Train-ing over many weeks in the final half of last year made that happen.  It grew my commun-ity of friends.

        I improved.  I am better at what I do.  Because of it, I am filled with gratitude.  But not

The Guiding Wisdom of Recovery............ 1/19/16

    Wisdom.

    I am thankful for it.  We receive a wid-er perspective when we live with recover-y.  We get a clarity about life.  We get new eyes.  We begin to see the world and

Handling Disappointment 1/13/16

Image: "Riverside" by Tim Blessed
Copyrighted photo.  Used by permission

          I've been away.  I am making sense of last year. And this one. Recu-perating, too.  For several months, at the end of the year, I was tossed in a whirlwind.