Improvements: Removing the Dross From Life, Revisited ............ 10/9/13

Refining gold, removing the dross.

     I'm squeezing in my gratitudes while I can, before the next day rolls in, claiming the title.

      This place provides a grati-tude journal for the visitors of this inn. I ask those who drop by, to sign the registry to this place by shar-ing three grati-tudes. It's easy to do, really.

      Would you like to give it a try?

My Gratitudes:

1. Met with a client today, the time we spent was powerful and rewarding.  I enjoy seeing progress.  I'm happy helping others deal with long-term issues, many stemming from childhood.

      I love seeing others celebrating life more than they ever have.

2.  This evening, I had dinner with a friend of seven-plus years. Afterwards, he spoke at an event.  I tagged along.

      It's fun seeing another person using their craft.  My friend has quirky humor I like.  I like the honesty we share.   Our friendship meets my need for communication, inclusion, respect, and support.

"Improvements" vs. Change

       My life is in transition.  I don't use the word "change."  They are improvements, instead.

       Most people don't like change, nor do I.  Improvements we don't mind.  The outcome of these refinements are as eagerly sought as a toy bought, as a kid, after getting my weekly allowance.

       A month from now I'll be settled in a new environment, with more peace of mind.

       As a kid, my image of God, was of a cruel being.  Like Zeus, he doled out punishment.  I felt His was shame, when I was wrong, being human.

       My only response was to feel guilt, when missing the mark.  I feared the wrathful, harsh God of my imagination.  He did not forgive.

       Curiously, the God had the same unloving qualities as my father.

       Like Greek mythology, when I misbehaved as a lad, catastrophe and punishment followed.  It was similar to the lightning bolts thrown in anger by Grecian gods at wayward humans.  As a boy, when making a mistake, I became a greasy smudge of shame.

        I was unlovable, unacceptable.

       My faults would be splayed out on my psyche like road kill.  Like the shell of a seagull that's been pressed in the asphalt on the Fruitvale Street Bridge in the city of Alameda the past three months.  Its carcass getting blacker, greasier as time and cars roll over it.

       That was me.  I was no good.  Was I wrong.  That negative, vengeful image of God is gone.

       In its place is a relationship with a loving, gracious God.  One who is quick to forgive, is patient.  He has a sense of humor and wants the best.  For. Me.

      What a change, and am I glad.  I'm happier, my soul relieved, unshackled from shame.

3. I luxuriate in a God who is patient and kind.  From Him, and the loving people I know---ambassadors of His love---He is freeing me from the unhealthy parts of my character.

       They are being replaced with new and better qualities.

       Working with an Al-Anon sponsor, unhealthy, reactive parts of me---remnants of past abuse----are recognized.  This is awareness with recovery, not resignation.  It is the first step towards wholeness. 

        I realize anger, fear, anxiety and the areas where I want to grow do not serve my best interests.  Am I glad.  I not as triggered as I once was, I now respond.

        The days of reacting are over.

4. I appreciate knowing I can't change the areas where I struggle with willpower.

     Why am I happy?  The pressure is off of me.  I now know God can do for me what I can't do for myself.

     What a relief.  The areas needing growth are more than the grains of sand on nearby Crown Beach in the city of Alameda.

      I am seeing growth.  The past nine years attending  Al-Anon Family Groups have made a difference.  I'm thrilled knowing the best in life is yet to come.

      My life is richer, more satisfying.  This happens as I let God remove the dross of my life.  He refines me when I get out of the way.

      My efforts in improving my life were an utter failure when relying upon my power alone.  My life is improving because of others loving me, with gentleness.  With them it is safe to bare my woundedness.

      I am growing in being authentic.

      Because of support from amazing friends, I am healing from childhood pain.  Scars from a bitter divorce are fading away.  Through my supportive network I feel God's loving embrace.

       No longer does the specter of a wrathful, angry, distant God haunt me.

      The dross of life---the pool of sorrow, fear, anxiety, anger, and resentment---is slowly draining from my soul.  I am addressing the feelings and needs that lay beneath them. What remains: golden moments of being present.

      Being unstuck from old behavior and thinking patterns gives me the emotional space needed to make better choices.

     Now, my friendships are more satisfying.  I am letting others know the Pablo I am when by myself.  I am comfortable with being the me I once hid.

      It is emotionally liberating moving beyond the non-Pablo roles I once lived, beyond the expectations of others.  Now, I check in with myself, making sure my needs are met.

     The fullness of life I enjoy is beyond my wildest dreams.  Life is not wonderful and better because God has changed.  I've changed.  I am connecting with healthy others, being loved, supported.

     And it makes a world of a difference.

How About You? 
What are the qualities in the God of your understanding?