Making Amends, Revisited ......... 3/26/13

 Things work better when repaired. In my Left-Coastal
 thinking, I find this repaired bowl has a unique beauty. 

    It definitely has character.The esthetics of kintsugi

   (金継ぎ).  It means"golden joinery"   in Japanese. It

   refers to the art of fixing broken ceramics with a lac-

   quer resin made to look like solid gold.  Chances are

    are a vessel restored with kintsugi looks better than 

     before the fractures. The same is true when making

 amends with a mature friend. Afterwards, the re-
lationship is more attractive, healthier.

        Amends is different than apologizing. Saying, "I'm sor-ry is merely uttering words. 

        Amends provides emotion-al and psychological relief. Doing so in a rich way, golden in nature.  It restores a rup-tured relationship.

"Friendship is a plant of slow growth, that must endure many seasons of adversity, before it is wor-thy of that appellation."       George Washington

     We enjoy growth when we place principles above areas in our personalities that are vulnerable, needing improvement.  Such an opportunity took place today.

     I met with a friend of 20+ years.  I learned there are problems his wife has with me, about something happening fifteen years ago.  Yikes! Wow, even.

     In such times, I like Goethe's perspective stated below:

Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

     I scrounged up the cour-age to discuss the issue after we had lunch.  I will resolve it, leaving the outcome in God's hands.  It is best to take responsibility for our behavior.

Being Responsible
    Taking responsibility doesn't mean we are at fault.  It means the ability to respond positively to whatever ad-versity we face.

     We clean our side of the street.  Even if our part----in our biased perspective----created only one percent of the problem with another. Exercising boundaries is taking ownership of our behavior.

     It is dealing with our contribution to the problem.  It is not focusing on the other person's contributing behavior. The only person we are certain of improving is ourselves.  

     "We cannot become the person we         want to be by remaining the way         we are." 

   We want this perspective even when we believe the other person is more wrong than us.  This is key when making amends.  It dem-onstrates maturity, our emotions are under control, we are not reac-ting.

     We are in the driver's seat when it comes to improving our behav-ior.  The only person we have control over is ourselves, not others.  Recovery teaches us that we are powerless over the pronouns in our lives: people, places, and things.

     This perspective keeps us in our right mind.  Trying to change oth-ers is not only futile but insanity.  It leads to frustration, anger.

     Not only that, it is controlling behavior.  Who wants that in a rela-tionship?  When anyone is controlling, it creates distance and distrust.  

      When we are control-ling, the relationship lacks reciprocity. We are calling the shots. We are acting out of fear, not confidence. We may blame or judge.  That gets us nowhere. 

     Making amends heals relationships.  Conflict is resolved.  There's a saying in recovery: "Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?"

     The latter choice is serenity inducing, a good idea, the other, justi-fying ourselves, isn't.  Overexplainig ourselves is also codependency.  Nothing good comes from it.

      Another's response to our efforts is irrelevant.  Counting on a positive reaction sets us up for disappointment. "An expectation is a resentment waiting to happen, " another bon mot from recovery. 

      We do not make amends for the other person's sake.  We make amends for ours.  It frees us from the weight of guilt and endur-ing tension in the relationship.

     There is a key step when dealing with wronging another.  We ask, "What can we do to make this right?"  We heed their response.
     

 

      We do their bid-ding, the best we can.   This strength-ens the relationship. Like the pottery pic-tured above, the mending improves the relationship, making the connec-tion stronger, more attractive.

      Being emotionally mature and safe for others to know, we care more about the relationship than the vexing issue between us.  This is an essential quality of healthy relationships.

      An unsafe individual cares more about the issue than the relation-ship.  An emotionally healthy person corrects us in order to forgive.  An unsafe person corrects to condemn.

       Making amends adds integrity and authenticity that people seek when relating.  It is moving beyond superficial friendship.  It is get-ting real with each other when relating. 
   

       Amending a re-lationship brings transparency, a qual-ity we want but is often missing when connecting with oth-ers. Positively addres-sing difficulties make our friendship deep-er than the title given to those follow-ing us on Facebook.

      Weathering adversity creates intimacy.  We can be true to our viewpoint.  We do this by demonstrating our values through our corrective behavior.

      All this is done while not standing against our fellows.  Authenticity and integrity---qualities desired when connecting--- takes place, when making amends.

      One caveat.  We try to patch things up unless doing so may cause injury to the person approached or others.  Others include us.

      Sometimes indirect amends through changed behavior is best.  Get-ting feedback from our Balcony-People beforehand helps.  We may get better clarity as to the approach to take.

       It's crucial doing what we can, righting a situation.  Oft-en we avoid discomfort.  That only creates more guilt and stymies solving the problem.

       We can take comfort when noticing an area needing growth.  We are getting emo-tionally healthier.  We are becoming more mature.

        It is a positive occasion, not a time to berate our-selves.  We are now aware of an area of growth we did not see before. (For more about being gentle towards ourselves, read here.)

        We can be thankful for learning about amends.  It heals an area of perception that, for many, was damaged in childhood. Often, back then, it was a tragic experience, acknowledging our mistakes.

           Frequently, we were punished when admitting our er-rors.
 

       It is a relief, knowing we are not what we do, or have done wrongly.  We are loved by a gracious God.  We are cared for by friends because of who we are, faults included.

       Recovery lets us be our-selves, comfortable even when we have done wrong. We see that just because we make a mistake does not mean we are a mistake. Dwelling upon this reality, at the visceral level---pausing to soak in this truth frees us from shame, self-judgment, and self-blame.

       Understanding and applying amends when necessary increases our confidence when relating.  We know that if things ever go wrong, we can make them right.

       No matter how bad things may get, amends provides room for healing, golden in nature.  Hurt feelings and fractured relationships can be restored, leaving them better than they were before.  And for that, we can have an  Attitude of Gratitude.