Must Have's and Can't Stands: Necessary for Healthy Relationships .........................1/3/12

“Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and 

not in the mind.”  Lionel Hampton.  Image: Cumbria: 

Great Gable by Tim Blessed.  Copyrighted, all rights

 reserved. Used by his kind permission.

        I'm thankful for a terrific weekend,  connecting with friends. Their accepting and positive nature only validates living diligently, consciously, with strong relational boundaries, holding on to relationships that are good for me and avoiding those that aren't.  Boundaries strengthen.  They filter out unacceptable behavior. 

"Must Haves" and "Can't Stands"

        One source of boundaries are my "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands."  They help winnow relationships.  Applying this list, helped me create an amazing group of loving, supportive people.  I do not connect with those who drain me of joy, energy or hope.  This list acts like a garland of garlic I wear around my neck, keeping me from emotional vampires. 

       What does your list of "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" look like?   Whoa, if you don't have one.  If we aim at nothing, that's exactly what we get.  How will you know if someone violates your boundaries, if you don't know what they are?

        Some "Must Haves" that make my friendships less frustrating: 

    1. I require mutuality and equality.  The relationship needs to be a two-way street.  If it isn't, that's a deal breaker; reciprocity has to b e there. 
    2.  In our conversations, I look for mutuality. When I'm putting myself "out there," it's great knowing their thoughts, needs and feelings, too. 
    3. I relate with positive people, who stay in the solution. We'll mention the problem once.  After that, we talk about what we can do to counteract the troubling issue. 

 "We get what we tolerate."

         I need relationships that energize me, not enervate me. Complaining doesn't provide growth.  I relate with people who know their values and take healthy steps towards the life they envision. 

        Every time I use healthy principles to tackle challenges, I create a better today.  I look at my options.  I consider what I need to do to maintain my serenity. It's hard being strong, characterologically, if we are morose, have a defeated spirit, surrendering to demon of depression. 

4. I avoid emotional vampires.

"If we feel like a doormat we need to get off the floor."                  Courage to Change, p. 361

      Yes, it's fine, feeling negative feelings. It's true, grieving is important. But we need to go beyond our consternation and look at the healthy steps we can take. 

      We have choices, we have options, we discover more, when we use bond with God and our community of safe people, our Balcony People. Which leads me to........

 5. I relate with people who live in community, not those who isolate.

      Getting the most out of life, happens when we live in community with vibrant others. We don't get our healing in isolation. We need the emotional and psychological distance that allows us to address our problems. Discerning friends offer that.

       I'm fortunate, I have them.  However, growing a community takes time. Mine is the result of cultivating my relationships for twenty years.  Good friendships require time and grace and discernment and commitment.  Excellent friends need to be tended to. 

      One of my few gripes---and you know I'm a positive guy---is how cyber communities, Facebook in particular, cheapen the word "friend."  Mine would die for me.  Would those on our Facebook list do that?

      No, they wouldn't and shouldn't. What are termed as such, there, don't have that depth of love.

A man that has friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.                               Proverbs 18:24

In other words, if we want to have in-depth friendships, we need to be one, modeling what we would like to see in our companions. 

How About You? 
What are some "must haves" and "can't stands" that you want to apply in your life?